Cruising for the Commitmentphobe

In an effort to groom a new generation of devotees, cruise companies are now offering shorter sailings at rock-bottom prices—the perfect opportunity for a commitmentphobe to test the waters.

Behind me, ready to present her Fun Pass, is a woman of about 50, reading over some of the options: "Liqueur coffees, Baileys, Grand Marnier...it's a little early for that!" Next to her is an older woman I take to be her mother, who nods in agreement, eyeing the list with derision, and then adds with sitcom precision: "Mmm hmm." Pause. "It's Bloody Mary time." It's just after 9 a.m.

Nothing happens on this ship without the Fun Pass (officially called a Sail & Sign card, but not referred to as such by anybody I meet on the Destiny). All other forms of identification and money are rendered obsolete by this little blue plastic card that you present and swipe everywhere you go. Passport when you get off the boat for a shore excursion? Bah! Fun Pass. Round of beers by the pool? My Fun Pass will cover the tab! (At least until my AmEx takes over at the end of the cruise.) Two cups of coffee at the Coffee Shop Company? You got it: Fun Pass. (All of our meals are included in the price of the cruise; a halfway-decent cup of coffee in the morning is not.)

As I read this morning's edition of Carnival Capers, our "daily guide to FUN" (the only thing available on board that resembles a newspaper), I see why the matron might feel like she needs a little fortification. Following the 1 p.m. ice-carving demonstration on the lido deck ("lovebirds" will be the subject for the aqua artist) is the Men's Hairy Chest Competition. Sheila and I are not going to miss it.

This event offers the first real snapshot of who's with us on the cruise. Looking at the contestants, mostly broad and gray-with-age men gyrating to "SexyBack" and "U Can't Touch This," you'd think the Destiny was booked largely with recent retirees; but one scan of the sea of bodies not on the stage and it appears that this cruise is mostly made up of people under 30. The thing is, every young guy on this boat is body-shaved within a millimeter of a baby's bottom. If the competition were for tattoos, the tables would most certainly be turned as to who'd be onstage. Incidentally: the prize for the gorilla-like old man who wins? A body shave at the spa.

I'm happy I did some Google research before the cruise. The most formal thing I was going to pack was a pair of flip-flops. I definitely would have been underdressed for Elegant Dining night and for predinner drinks with the captain—the dashing Antonino Sammartano, native of Italy. Dinner conversation seems even more stifled by our combined elegance this evening (I upped my wardrobe to include a tie, thank you very much). Our waiter, who the previous night asked if I was on a diet when I ordered a fruit plate for dessert, punishes me by bringing me a second spiny lobster with shrimp. As far as punishment goes, I know, it's not exactly waterboarding.

The post-dinner show is, ahem, a bit eye-opening—G-string-clad women dancing French-revue-type numbers. It reminds me of when I was on vacation with my family in New Orleans and sneaked into a strip club. I was 5 years old, and I recall feeling something between excitement and utter confusion—a range of emotions on display with the crowd here, too. Mothers who thought the family might enjoy a show turn red-faced as it dawns on them that their kids are in for an evening of anatomy lessons. Next to them, their wide-eyed men look dumbfounded by the sanctioned debauchery.

After a nightcap at the Apollo, the Fun Ship's inexplicably ancient-Greece-themed piano bar, and a pretty enjoyable sing-along to Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline," we return to our cabin and find a towel elephant waiting for us on the bed. It's hard to go to sleep without a smile on your face when there's a terry-cloth pachyderm in your room to wish you sweet dreams.

Per the expert commitmentphobe advice of Carolyn Spencer Brown, Sheila and I haven't scheduled ahead for any of the dozens of shore-excursion options for our two days of ship leave. We wait until the last minute, only after another passenger asks us what we've got planned for the next day.

We stick with the boat theme for Grand Cayman day and sign up for a kayak safari and snorkeling. The mangroves and close-up views of the water are a welcome departure from the festive-if-tiring vibe of the lido deck. The next day, in Ocho Rios, Jamaica, Sheila and I skip the rain-forest bobsled excursion and swim with dolphins. Having a 500-pound mammal named Mitch let me ride on his belly is satisfying in a way that's beyond explanation. As is the photo of Sheila kissing him that she will later show friends.

As the cruise goes on, I become more and more in sync with its rhythms. Dinner conversation is easier, even fun; late-night line dancing on the lido deck is festive and shameless in perfectly equal measures; and the view from our room is surprisingly mind-clearing.

It finally clicks that a cruise is perfect for a commitmentphobe. You can snack on a little entertainment, a little day trip, a little food (or a lot, thanks to the 24-hour pizza bar). It's a whirlwind of having to, really, commit to nothing. Even though I'm feeling ready to head home by the end, the towel-animal stingray on that final night is—sniff—a beautiful and bittersweet good-bye.

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Note:This story was accurate when it was published. Please be sure to confirm all rates and details directly with the companies in question before planning your trip.
 

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