BE THEIR GUEST
How to Be a Perfect Houseguest
Crashing with family or friends? Etiquette experts weigh in with 13 tips on the delicate art of mooching so that you can be the perfect houseguest—you know, the kind that hosts invite back.
Finesse an Invite
Sue Fox, author of Etiquette for Dummies, suggests a subtle approach to feel out whether a family member might be up for hosting you. You could start by asking, "Gee, when I'm in town, maybe I can come by? Can you suggest any hotels in the area?"
"It's not OK to hint that you should be invited to spend the night," says Lizzie Post, great-great-granddaughter of etiquette authority Emily Post and author of lifestyle guide How Do You Work This Life Thing? "But it can happen through conversation. You might call a friend and say, 'Hey, we're coming through town and we'd really love to see you. Could we get together?' Then, leave it up to them to take the next step. Don't get upset if they're not rolling out the welcome mat."
Keep Your Visit Brief
"At the very start, deal with the exact start and end date of the visit," says Post. "Personally, I think no one should stay more than three days—you know the saying that both fish and houseguests stink after three days. It's true." If you want to visit the area longer, bite the bullet and split your stay between your friend's place and a hotel.
Be Clear and Up Front About Everything
Hosts do not deserve to be surprised that you've brought two German shepherds and your latest biker boyfriend, when they expected only you. "Never assume that bringing your pets, children, friend, or family member is acceptable if you're not directly told or invited to bring them," says Fox.
"You must also be up front about any dietary issues. It's awful when a guest shows up and says, 'I forgot to tell you I'm a vegan,'" says Norine Dresser, author of Multicultural Manners: Rules of Etiquette for the 21st Century.
Maintain Contact in Advance
"Check in a few days before the visit to get directions and double-check the dates," advises Post. "And most definitely touch base on the morning of the day you're supposed to arrive. If anything changes your planned arrival time, you absolutely must call your hosts. It's rude to have people waiting around for you."
"Hosts will generally provide you with towels," says Dresser. "But ask before you take just any towel from the closet. In some families, each person has his or her own towel, and you don't want to upset anyone by drying off with the wrong one." As for pretty much everything else you'll need in the bathroom—shampoo, toothpaste, toothbrush, a special soap if you're particular—bring your own. It's OK to ask to use some toothpaste if you've forgotten yours.
Acknowledge Everyone in the House
Pet the hosts' dog, say hello to their aunt who lives above the garage, and most of all, make an effort to be nice to the hosts' children. "You don't have to get on your knees with the kids or play board games the entire time you're there," says Post. "But you should pay attention to the kids, even if you're not a 'kid person.' Every parent loves it when other people enjoy spending time with their kids."
Make It Look Like You're Not There
Wipe down the sink after you shave. Make the bed. Tidy up every chance you get—especially if you have children. "Don't leave toys in a pile, or worse, scattered all over the place," says June Hines Moore, author of Manners Made Easy for the Family. If you're in a makeshift bedroom in an office or the living room, fold up the futon. The goal is to make it look like no one is even visiting.
Offer a Helping Hand
This may be your vacation, but the host is not a combo cook-maid-butler-concierge. Offer to pick up groceries, do the dishes, mix some margaritas, chop vegetables for dinner, or take the dog for a walk, and make your offer an earnest one. "Let me help with that" is better than "You're all set in the kitchen, right?"
But don't be pushy. "Some people are weird about their kitchens," says Post. "They don't like other people messing with their spices. So if they turn down your request to help, back off."
Respect House Rules and Schedules
"Watch what the host family does," says Dresser. "If they take off their shoes, you take off yours." Be especially respectful if your hosts have to work during your visit. "Ask about your host's morning routine," says Post. "Then stay clear of the bathroom when your host needs the shower."
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