Transcript: French Polynesia

June 4, 2005
Writer Jason Cochran answered your questions on Tahiti, Moorea, and Huahine on October 5, 2004

No phone. No room service. No air-conditioning. No worries.

Simple is the way to go on the French Polynesian islands of Tahiti, Moorea, and Huahine. All you really need is a thatched hut with friendly owners and a beachfront location.

Jason Cochran, who wrote "Tahiti Unplugged" for the October issue of Budget Travel magazine, answered your questions on French Polynesia on Tuesday, October 5, 2004 at noon ET.

Jason Cochran is Senior Editor of Budget Travel magazine. In addition to writing for publications such as Entertainment Weekly, The Village Voice, and Arena, he wrote questions for the first season of ABC's Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. He recently spent two years backpacking around the world, visiting six continents and over 40 countries. A current resident of New York City, he has also lived in Chicago, Atlanta, Key West, and Cape Town, South Africa.

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Jason Cochran: Hello, everyone! No sense in writing a long-winded introduction--we're all here for one reason. Let's talk Tahiti!

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Smyrna, GA: We are interested in a private bungalow with the ocean outside the door. Is there a reasonably priced option for this?

Jason Cochran: Absolutely! The whole reason for my being here today, conducting this Live Talk, is to discuss the cover story of this month's Budget Travel magazine. The October 2004 cover, "Sweet Tahiti" is all about those accommodations in French Polynesia that are right on the ocean AND affordable. Not a single international hotel chain is listed--just private, family-owned pensions. The great thing about all of them is that the owners are fully aware that you've come to Tahiti for privacy and romance, and they leave you alone. In fact, because of the low room density at these places, you'll probably get a lot more privacy at a pension than you would at a big resort. The answer to your specific question--a reasonable option--depends greatly on which island you're thinking about visiting. The options listed in the article are grouped by island, and it covers three islands: Tahiti (the biggest one), Moorea, and Huahine. If I were to name a place with the ocean right "outside the door," I would probably say Hiti Moana Villa or Punatea Village on Tahiti; Fare Vaihere on Moorea; and Pension Mauarii on Huahine. At all of those, you can roll out of bed, walk down your steps, and find yourself right on the water. (Now, if you're asking about what's called an "overwater bungalow," which is built on pilings right over the coral reefs, hang on until later in the chat, when I'll address that type of accommodation.)

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San Francisco, CA: We are taking the Tahitian Princess next month. Do we need to bring formal/dressy clothes?

Jason Cochran: Yes, unless you want to feel under-dressed during the few formal dinners that will be thrown. We're not talking tuxedos--but a coat and tie would be sitting. But you only need an outfit or two. You're going to be in your bathing suits most of the time.

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Cambridge, MN: Hi Jason! I would love to visit Tahiti. Could you tell me when is the best time of the year to visit? And when is the time of the year that Tahiti is overflowing with tourists? Or do I even need to worry about that? Thanks!!

Jason Cochran: The weather patterns are a little different than what they are at home. February and March are very hot and humid--even the locals, who are presumably used to it, scramble for shade. High season is in July or August, when European vacationers flood in and the weather is splendid. Rain peaks from November to April. I prefer May or October, which have good weather but aren't that crowded.

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Benicia, CA: We really like Tahiti and went to Moorea when the dollar was strong several years ago. We would like to go to go again; the small hotels from the article seem ideal, but the price for airline tickets make it too costly. How can the small hotels compete with the ones who are combining with airfare? With airfare from SF to LAX and then LAX to Papeete, the cost becomes higher than the expensive hotel packages. Are there consolidators for airfare to Tahiti?

Jason Cochran: Because of the purchasing power wielded by the big hotels and the airlines, they can often come up with air-hotel deals that are unbeatable, in terms of price. But not always! Often, only the least expensive hotels are packaged with airfare at a price that beats the family-owned pensions. Which means that your hotel could end up being kind of gross. The fancy resorts most people dream about (overwater bungalows, clear waters, huge blue pool) are often much more expensive than the lowly two-star resorts that first grab shoppers' eyes with ultra-low prices. So if you're going to go the package route, do some serious research into the hotel first, just to make sure it's the kind of place (with the kind of peace and on the kind of clear waters) that you're dreaming of. You may find that it's still to your benefit to buy hotel and airfare separately. To shop for airfare alone, make sure to look for deals from the big player to Tahiti's capital city, Papeete: Air Tahiti Nui (airtahitinui-usa.com/). Sometimes, but not often, Qantasqantas.com/) sells codeshare sale flights there, too. Air New Zealand offers what's called the South Pacific Airpass, and if you're planning on visiting a few other countries or islands in the region (including Australia, New Zealand, the Cook Islands, and Fiji), you can often put together a multi-stop package at a substantial savings. Flight Cenflightcentre.com/) can often find flights for cheaper than anyone else, and it also offers a lowest-price guarantee. Other players to check: FlyCheap (800/FLY 1800flycheap.com/) and Air Tickets Direct (800/7; airticketsdirect.com/). Sometimes you can find a marked-down "Bula Fare" on Afic (airpacific.com/), fly Fiji from Los Angeles or Vancouver, and then change for a flight to Tahiti for a few hundred dollars. It takes more work and planning, but it's possible to save that way. If you're feeling really ambitious (and if you speak French), check in with a French travel agent before booking. Huge amounts of French people vacation and retire in Tahiti (it's like France's Hawaii), and so there are plenty of flights heading from Paris and other French cities all year round. Which means there are are plenty of deals to be had, if you have the language skills to buy them.

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Mesa, AZ: Jason, Not a question but more of a warning: I visited Tahiti, Bora Bora and Moorea in 1996 and discovered that the sun is so powerful down there that you MUST wear a hat and drink plenty of bottled water or face island fever, which happened to me. I was quite miserable for the entire trip, so please take heed and also have plenty of bug spray to repel mosquito bites. Other than that, the scenery and people were wonderful experiences not to mention the snorkeling. Thanks.

Jason Cochran: I love it when readers help me out! You're absolutely correct. The sun is a whopper in the South Pacific, so arrive prepared. Buy sunblock at home, since it's cheaper in America (nearly everything you'll buy in the islands has been imported all the way from France). And only drink bottled water, since the tap water throughout French Polynesia is not considered safe to drink (although some hotels and pensions treat their water for guests' convenience). Most hotels and pensions will also provide the tools you need to keep the bugs away--but even fancy hotels can't keep mosquitos out (no matter what that Expedia TV ad says). Fortunately, on the water, there are far fewer insects than there are inland.

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Cleveland, OH: What is the total air time for this trip from Cleveland, OH? Is a day lost on the return trip?

Jason Cochran: I'll answer this in terms of Los Angeles so it will be of use to everyone. The flight to Papeete takes about 7 1/2 hours from LAX. From there, flights to the most popular outlying islands take as little as 10 minutes (Moorea) to about an hour (Bora Bora). I'm guessing that Cleveland is about three hours from LAX, so add that to the total--though, of course, you'll have time to get off the plane and stretch your legs in LAX. Also, French Polynesia is not on the other side of the Interntaional Date Line (it's actually slightly more eastern than Hawaii is), so you don't lose or gain a day when you travel to or from it.

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Petersburg, IN: Do you need to be able to speak French to get around Tahiti?

Jason Cochran: Not really. It's a tourism hotspot. Although many innkeepers, drivers, and staffers only speak French fluently, they are used to dealing with international tourists who speak other languages (German, English, Spanish, Dutch). So almost anyone you'll meet in the tourism industry can either speak workable English or get by with a few words. It's easy for Americans to forget how often people in the rest of the world have to adapt to the language barrier. For them, it's not a problem when languages don't blend. Also, most places have written English-language materials on hand for guests just like you. Even the menus are usually available in English--although since French cooking terms are so common in America, you will probably be able to easily order without the help. Grab a French phrase book and memorize the essentials (thank you='merci", hello='bon jour", and so on), and you'll be just fine.

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Atlanta, GA: How warm is it without air-conditioning in September through November? (The promised ceiling fan and trade winds in Grenada in May were not enough!)

Jason Cochran: Most of the time, you'll be fine if your hotel is near the coast. In February and March, though, the air is often as still as if someone switched it off, and even sleeping under a ceiling fan can be uncomfortable. Of course, that gives you a good excuse to go swimming every hour!

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Irvine, CA: What excursions do you recommend on Moorea, for 2 very active 30-somethings? We leave on Saturday for 1 week.

Jason Cochran: My favorite activity was swimming with the stingrays. You're taken out on a boat deep into the northern lagoon, where you anchor and then jump overboard into waist-deep water. Your guide hauls out a bag of frozen fish and the stingrays, who became tame by getting their lunch like this every day, come sweeping in. You can feed them by hand, pet them, and feel their spongy flesh. Bring your own mask and flippers and you can swim with them. Several companies offer this excursion, which is usually preceded by a "swim with the sharks" feeding and followed by a picnic on a lovely offshore island (motu) that's fringed with coral gardens. I went with Moorea Explorer, which also supplies transportation to and from where you're staying. It takes all day and costs in the neighborhood of $70. I loved it. (They used to have a few such stingrays on Huahine, too, but a few locals decided to take advantage of their tameness--and speared them for dinner.)

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Rancho Santa Margarita, CA: How prevelant is it to use ATM machines on Moorea (and other islands) for exchange purposes? Do the various vendors strictly take the Tahitian currency, or are USD accepted? Thank you!

Jason Cochran: Big topic! Before you go to French Polynesia, grill your bank about whether your card will be accepted in ATMs there! Some people report no troubles, but others (including me) have had serious problems. My card didn't work at all, at any machine, and if I hadn't brought plenty of travelers' checks, I would have been in trouble. So make sure your ATM card will work--just call your bank's customer service line and get to the bottom of it. The official name of the country, for your reference, is French Polynesia (Tahiti, the name of the largest island, is the nickname). If you run out of money, don't expect your bank to be able to rush to the rescue right away, since many big companies (Citibank included) do not have offices anywhere in the entire region. If you want to feel completely safe, bring travelers' checks as a backup--all hotels take them, and you can always re-deposit them in your bank if you don't use them. Credit cards are widely accepted, but American Express is not as widely taken as the others, so don't rely on it, either. Many places, especially shops and restaurants, only accept cash. Dollars are not accepted--you must exhange your money into French Polynesian Francs, which currently trade at about 92 to the US Dollar.

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Manhattan, NY: Hi Jason, I was wondering how Tahiti compares to the Hawaiian experience?

Jason Cochran: I prefer it. Hawaii, for all its palm trees and breathtaking mountains, is still America, and no matter how tan you get there, you're still aware that you're sort of at home. In French Polynesia, French is the mother tongue, and that gives visitors a real sense of having traveled. When you strip down and lay upon the sands of a Tahitian beach, you really feel like you're in a distant idyll, far from the mundane world you know, and that goes a long way toward helping you feel like you've escaped from it all. The food is French, too--not to say Hawaii's cuisine isn't marvelous, but how can you argue with fresh baguettes every morning? Lastly, the beaches in the two island chains are totally different. Hawaii is all about crashing surf. French Polynesia is a country of lagoons, which means most of the shoreline is protected by coral reefs in the distance, so the warm ocean water simply laps against the beach as calmly as the water might quiver in your bathtub at home. So in FP, snorkeling and swimming are much less taxing compared to Hawaii, and you can see a lot more interesting and colorful sea life without much effort. In the end, Hawaii makes me feel like a jungle explorer, and French Polynesia makes me feel like a castaway on a tranquil beach.
By the way, one addendum to my answer to the previous questions: Each island, most of which take less than an hour to drive around, has at least one ATM on it. Tahiti has many more, but most of them cluster around the city of Papeete. All the hotels and shopkeepers can tell you where the nearest ATM is located.

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Diamond Bar, CA: I do not have adventurous tastes, so can I get a steak or a cheeseburger?? Also, the wife likes topless beaches. Is this the standard there? Thanks.

Jason Cochran: You may not be adventurous, but it sounds like your wife is! Happily, you'll both be satisfied. Burgers and sandwiches are very easy to find throughout French Polynesia--they've become world cuisine. And French Polynesia shares France's taste for terrific bread. Getting an "all-over tan" is no trick, either, since there are miles of beaches that are pretty much empty. Not only is it considered acceptable to go topless in the islands--thank that European culture--it's easy to accomplish. Just find an empty beach and do your thing. Moorea's beaches are generally uncrowded once you get away from the resorts, but for empty beaches practically everywhere, Huahine's the place. There's barely a tourist in sight on most of them.

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Ann Arbor, MI: I'm looking to head out to Polynesia next spring and stay there on an extended vacation for at least a few months. Problem is, I really have no idea how the temporary/summer work scene is. I've worked summers in Lagos, Portugal and Barcelona, Spain, but I've never had the opportunity to travel to the islands of Polynesia. So, my questions are how easy is it to find decent work there, what time of the year is best for getting a job, and how easily could one simply live there for at least a few months. Im a young guy who just wants to experience the world before I get too caught up in the inevitable "real job" scene. Thanks in advance.

Jason Cochran: I don't know much about the ins and outs of the job scene, but I do know that it's fairly saturated. Because French nationals can move there and work there legally, Tahiti has plenty of itinerant visitors who will beat you to the drudge work. Just about every job is already taken by a local or by a French national. And because tourism isn't doing gangbuster business right now, there isn't that much call for temporary help. Better to find a cheap place to stay (Huahine has bunches) and sack out with your savings. You're probably not going to find work.

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Smyrna, GA: You addressed getting to Papeete. How do you get from Papeete to Huahine?

Jason Cochran: From Papeete, flights go to all the tourist's islands, including Huahine, Moorea, and Bora Bora. (There's a half-hour ferry that goes to Moorea from Papeete, too, because the two islands are so close.) Inter-island flights generally cost about $100 each way; Air Tahiti is the dominant player.

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Minneapolis, MN: Hi Jason, Imagine my surprise when I received my new issue of Budget Travel! The day before I was able to book frequent flier tickets to New Zealand via Tahiti in March (by the way, the same thing happened last year when we were planning a trip to Croatia--you are very timely with your articles!). We will have a four day layover in Tahiti. Should we go directly to Moorea and spend all our time there or should we plan to spend some time on Tahiti? I plan to book in one of the pensions you mentioned. P.S. Where will your next article take us?

Jason Cochran: Thanks! I love hearing that my articles are helping people--I work very hard researching them! To answer your question, yes, I'd head off to Moorea for the duration; most of the time, transpacific flights are timed in such a way that you'll be able to leave Papeete for another island right away. I personally find the island of Tahiti to be too crowded and full of traffic, and I get more of that "South Pacific" feeling on the outlying islands such as Moorea and Huahine. (I don't care for Bora Bora--it's gorgeous but everything there is MUCH too expensive and the visitors tend to hang out at resorts rather than do anything interesting. Huahine is my favorite.) And to answer your last questions, it looks like my next article will be a collection of dream driving tours across three very different areas of Australia. Look for it this winter!

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Temple City, CA: What is happening with the old Club Med property on Moorea? Will it reopen in some form? Do you recommend the Club Med on Bora Bora?

Jason Cochran: The Moorean property doesn't look like it's going to open anytime soon; there have been some squabbles with the local people, who don't want to relinquish the land back to Club Med. In fact, some islanders have moved into some of the old bungalows and taken them for their homes! That leaves the Bora Bora location, which is sumptuous to say the least. It attracts a slightly less active clientele than the Moorea campus did, but for my money, it's prettier. Speaking of Club Med, you can often get a really good deal for stays there if you don't book ahead. When you get off your international flight in Papeete, head into the city center. On the main road facing the harbor, there's a Club Med office. Pop in and ask if there are any last-minute deals. Resort occupancy throughout the islands has been pitifully low lately, and so you can almost always score a deal for around $80 a day (or under half the published price), including all food, drink, and sports, plus transportation to and from Bora Bora from Papeete. It's a risk that the Club Med will be full, but chances are you won't be sorry.

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Raleigh, NC: I am trying to decide between Moorea and Huahine - recommendations? And, should I get a car or mini-car?

Jason Cochran: Moorea has the laid-back resorts and the inland hiking, and Huahine has miles of truly empty beaches and a lost-in-the-Pacific vibe. I also love that Huahine has some unexpected oddities, such as an inland village with a freshwater stream populated by a team of giant eels! As for the car--definitely get one. Since distances are not great and the roads are generally flat, it doesn't matter what kind you rent (unless you plan off-road driving), but if you want to fan out and explore the many empty beaches, you'll need wheels. (Learn to drive a stick if you don't already know how--manual rentals are much cheaper than automatic ones!)

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San Diego, CA: Thanks for the subject! I read your article this morning on the various family-run hotel options on the several isles. My question is mosquitos. I didn't see mosquito netting over the beds. Are we destined to be eaten alive when we sleep at these places (or any of the hotels/resorts in Tahiti) or do the rooms provide any protection?

Jason Cochran: Yes, all the hotels, including the ones I describe, will give you the tools you need, whether that means coils, electic repellant, netting, screens, or just windows and doors that shut tight. Bring a little repellant with DEET in it, and that should take care of everything. (I was barely bitten myself when I was researching that story.)

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Atlanta, GA: My husband and I just got married and are planning to take our honeymoon this November. It has always been a dream of mine to stay in one of those over-the-water bungalows with breathtaking views and a lot of peace and quite. There are so many in the French Polynesian to choose from. Which resort offers the best deal (we were focusing a week either in Bora Bora or Moorea) with a good deal of seclusion. Thanks!

Jason Cochran: The least expensive overwater bungalows that I have found are at the Club Bali Hai, on the northern coast of Moorea. They're still around $250 a night, so I wouldn't call them cheap, but that's half as much as the bungalows at many other properties such as the Sheraton. It's on a deepwater bay with a stunning view of the jagged mountains beyond. As a rule, anything on Bora Bora is going to cost you top dollar, even if the quality isn't top drawer. Also look into a somewhat new Moorea Pearl Resort, on the north coast. It faces the open ocean on a huge lagoon. Its prices are creeping into the stratosphere, but compared to its competition, it's a better value. (Keep in mind, by the way, that overwater bungalows are increasingly despised by locals, since they're so bad for the environment.) I would avoid the Sofitel on Moorea, since it has seen better days.

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San Francisco, CA: We're returning to FP for the 3rd time in December. What are your recommendations for best cheap (but memorable) restaurants on Moorea? Thanks.

Jason Cochran: My favorite is Mahagony, on the northeast coast of the island. Its escargot blew my mind and they have a creme brulee to die for! It's not far from several of the big resorts, including the Pearl, the Beachcomber, the Sofitel--and the gorgeous place on the cover of this month's Budget Travel, La Baie de Nuarei.

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Pittsburgh, PA: Why don't you include Bora Bora as one of your top sites in French Polynesia? I was just at Tahiti and didn't think it was so great.

Jason Cochran: Bora Bora is great, but it is overpriced and it's generally booked by package tourists who don't want or need help in finding family-owned pensions. There are few private accommodations there. Tahiti island, on the other hand, is the first place every visitor from North America will first touch down, and depending on their flight timings, they may have to spend a day or two there. It's also the best place to learn about modern Polynesian culture, since the big museums and markets are located there. The area near the city is not too appealing, but if you go to the "back end" of the island, far from the urban sprawl, the beaches and hiking are quite rewarding.

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Jason Cochran: Looks like that's all (s)he wrote! I'm out of time, but thanks to the past hour, I'm in a Tahitian state of mind! Thanks for some great questions--I hope everyone who asked one gets a chance to visit these beautiful islands someday soon.

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We also thought the group would get a kick out of a visit to the boutique of Philip Treacy (69 Elizabeth St., 011-44/20-7730-3992,) the Irish-born milliner whose fanciful hats are displayed in museums and on the heads of celebs such as Victoria Beckham. To round out the hat search, we recommended a visit to London's landmark department store Harrods (87 Brompton Rd., Knightsbridge, 011-44/20-7730-1234.) Terri makes clothes for her infant granddaughter and is always on the hunt for material, Cathy is interested in cross-stitching, and all six of the women like to sew and quilt. We recommended Berwick Street in London's Westminster neighborhood, where stores such as Textile King (81 Berwick St., 011-44/20-7437-7372) and Accessories World (71 Berwick St., 011-44/20-7734-1698) specialize in rare fabrics and jewelry sold wholesale. For a higher-end shop, Liberty (Regent St., 011-44/20-7734-1234) founded in 1875, is the place to go. Once inside the formidable Tudor entrance on Great Marlborough Street, the women will find first-rate haberdashery, yarn, cross-stitching kits, clothing and upholstering fabric, patterns, buttons, and thread galore in the sprawling, wood-paneled store. (Liberty also has a fine hat department.) Things can cost a bundle here, but those willing to plow through the sale merchandise can find bargains. The crew was also curious about London's open-air markets, where shops set up stalls right on the street. Because the ladies are antiquers, we directed them to the unbeatable Portobello Road Market in Notting Hill, held every Saturday. Smart shoppers stop by early, since all the wares are put out in the morning. A lesser-known market but one with incredible flowers--which Pattie simply can't get enough of--is the Columbia Road Flower Market in east London, held every Sunday. Pattie won't be able to bring fresh blossoms back with her, but we suggested she dry some choice specimens for homemade potpourri. After getting their fill of shopping, the girls want to hit the town. Judy, a darts addict, planned to bring her own darts--put them in your checked luggage, Judy!--and try her luck in a pub. The rest of the women volunteered to be her cheering squad. "We stir things up quite a bit," Terri said. "But I don't want to get thrown out of anywhere!" One place that will be happy to have them is the Anchor Pub, in Battersea (61 Holgate Ave., 011-44/20-7585-1105,) where darts trophies crowd the shelves. Seven different teams play regularly at the pub, and people bring in darts for nightly tournaments. No trip to London would be complete without seeing the Queen and Prince Charles. And why not throw in the Beatles and Madonna? The ladies refused to leave without visiting Madame Tussauds (Marylebone Rd., 011-44/870-400-3000, madame-tussauds.co.uk, day ticket $35.50,) the famous waxworks. We cautioned them against the tempting advance-ticket booking option. For £2 extra (almost $4) they would have a guaranteed entry time, which would be worth it in the summer, when lines can last several hours. In the off-season, however, waits are usually only a few minutes and almost never more than a half hour. Also, the museum is open until 7 p.m., and although standard tickets start at $36, rates drop by $7.20 at 3 p.m., and by another $9 at 5 p.m. Finally, we had to ask: Are husbands ever invited on the trips? "No!" Lucille exclaimed. "England doesn't know what's going to hit them," said one spouse, who wanted to remain anonymous. "If they did, they'd close the border."

Lecture on What You Love, and Cruise for Free!

Remember that talk on better gardening that you attended in the course of a recent Caribbean cruise? The one that followed an evening presentation on hairstyling and makeup? Do you recall the tough old gentleman who spoke pungently about the history of Alaska and the growth of its capital city on the evening before your ship's visit to Juneau? Or the professorial type who told you what to expect on your next day's shore excursion to the Roman ruins of Kusadasi, Turkey? If you've something of interest to talk about and speak not just well but entertainingly, many cruise lines will consider giving you gratis passage in exchange for onboard lectures. Lines such as Princess Cruises, Norwegian Cruise Line, Costa Cruises, Royal Caribbean International, Celebrity Cruises, Seabourn Cruise Line, Clipper Cruise Line, Crystal Cruises, Cunard Line, Holland America Line, and Silversea Cruises take along speakers on nearly every sailing. While criteria for choosing these "presenters" varies from line to line, each company stresses that the talks must be engaging--fun to listen to. The topics that appeal The prime subject that all lines welcome is the attractions to be seen or visited at their ships' ports of call. Or the history, economy, lifestyle, cuisine, and even quirks of the cultures that passengers will soon be viewing or experiencing. Sometimes (in the cruise lines' preferred--but not always achieved--scenario), the talks are by former diplomats who've lived on-site, or authors who've written about the territory in well-received books. Subjects the cruise lines don't want are those that will place them in legal jeopardy or that are too grim for vacationers. For example, one major line no longer books financial advisors because it was sued by a passenger who claimed to have "lost his shirt" following an onboard address by a prominent fiscal authority. The lines that hire presenters As you might expect, the upscale cruise lines are among the most active in signing up "presenters" for their expensive sailings. Unlike the popularly priced ships, nearly every one of the luxury ships carries one or two speakers per cruise. Silversea Cruises Thus, Silversea Cruises--a very elegant group--is fond of taking aboard retired longtime residents of the region the ship is sailing or experts on regional art. While its director of entertainment, Michael Day, points out that Silversea regularly hosts celebrities such as astronaut Buzz Aldrin, Day also readily admits that speakers needn't be quite so exotic. And a great many talks on more ordinary topics are rewarded with a free cruise, especially if the speaker has a past record of lecturing widely. Day suggests applicants send him a description of their skills and background. While the line fills most lecture slots from booking agencies, they are always open to suggestions from outsiders. See the above box for addresses to which you should write for both Silversea Cruises and all the other lines. If accepted, in exchange for your words and time, the line will usually give you a gratis cabin and plane ticket to the point of embarkation. Spouses are welcome to come along but they might have to pay a discounted price for their bunk, and airfare. Crystal Cruises Aboard the elegant Crystal Cruises, being a celebrity is definitely a plus. Its roster of speakers is peppered with prominent personalities ranging from Barbara Walters to former Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger. Line spokesperson Mimi Weisband points out, however, that she also seeks professors and authors, and neophyte presenters would do well to send in an actual videotape of themselves in action. Cunard Line Limited & Seabourn Cruise Line Patricia Higgins, manager of enrichment programs at Cunard Line and Seabourn Cruise Line, says, "We pick speakers based on their track records. And while we don't actively solicit new candidates, and receive dozens of applicant letters and e-mails each week, there are moments when--due to a cancellation--we need specific expertise in a hurry." Therefore, she suggests making oneself known to one or both of the booking agencies listed on the next page (and that includes sending them a tape of the speaker giving his or her talk) and specifying areas of expertise. She adds, "Destination-related talks lead the list of topics aboard our ships. The second most popular is maritime history, particularly anything about tall ships and the grand oceanliners, nautical tales from the past, etc." Also in demand as speakers are wine experts, journalists, commentators on various motivational themes, and a wide swath of entertainment figures and/or experts in world affairs. Ms. Higgins adds that in terms of destination talks, "since many of our upscale passengers have already visited a large part of the world, we try and focus on topics they're likely not to have previously encountered. For example, on a Seabourn voyage to Vietnam, in addition to booking speakers to relate tales of the Vietnam War, we had a professor who lectured about the country's textiles, art, and the interaction between crafts and daily life in Vietnam. We also had an economist who talked about the strength of Southeast Asia's position in the global economy." Among other recent Cunard onboard presenters were a San Francisco Chronicle reporter who conducted writing workshops and a New York City-based travel writer who lectured westbound QE II passengers about shopping strategies in the Big Apple. And, on Cunard as elsewhere, it doesn't hurt to be famous. Actress Patricia Neal has given talks including clips from her films. And Ted Koppell has also crewed on Cunard. Aboard the popularly priced lines, there's less emphasis on the speaker's celebrity: Royal Caribbean International & Celebrity Cruises Royal Caribbean and its sister brand Celebrity Cruises frequently book speakers, but primarily for voyages lasting longer than seven days. Usually, the talks are destination oriented, although they also book historians. It emphasizes that speakers must be more than merely knowledgeable and wants to avoid anyone who might deliver a lecture in History 101. Clipper Cruise Line Clipper Cruise Line's ships--carrying up to 138 passengers--regularly book naturalists who not only give scheduled talks but lead shore excursions. They're quite selective. We seek out professional biologists or natural historians. And it pays people because their expertise can really enhance passenger experiences at our ports of call. These include Alaska, the Sea of Cortez, Venezuela's Orinoco River, Costa Rica, China, Japan, and New Zealand. Norwegian Cruise Line This venerable operator of large, popularly priced ships also books speakers, primarily those who can describe ports of call or discuss food or their new book. Norwegian also operates a large number of "theme" cruises on such topics as sports and music. The line will host speakers whose expertise matches each sailing's theme. A line spokesperson suggests that those interested call the reservations department to see what themes are featured and for what sailing dates. Princess Cruises Princess Cruises regularly welcomes speakers who can talk about relevant ports of call. They always have a naturalist aboard our Alaskan cruises but we welcome experts in world affairs, art, and maritime matters. For Asian cruises, Princess also hosts cultural historians who lecture on the history and customs of the places they will soon visit. Costa Cruise Lines Costa Cruise Lines also brings along lecturers, but only on Caribbean sailings. Typical themes that passengers have found appealing include astrology, finance, history, and yoga. And incidentally, Carnival and Premier Cruise Lines are among the few lines that don't normally trade lectures for cabins. Presenting Your Credentials To contact the cruise lines directly, be sure to contact the Entertainment Coordinator or Director of Onboard Guest Programs (and give serious thought to enclosing a videotape of your presentations).

Europe's Bargain Barges

Before my family and I booked our barge adventure in France last summer, I had only heard about one kind of barge trip--expensive, luxurious, and not for kids. Turns out, after much exploring, that there's a whole hidden world of really low-priced (okay, sometimes downright cheap) barges and boats of all sorts that let you travel on the canals and waterways all over Europe, going where you please, when you please. But this wonderful, inexpensive underbelly of barging is a world many travel professionals like to keep a trade secret. Or, in fairness, they may just not know much about it, as it is only in the last few years that barging has become so popular in the U.S. that smart tour operators (see Barge Contacts below) have come up with bargain options to feed the growing demand. "When I started arranging barge trips 11 years ago, there were two barges in all of Holland--now there are 40, with hundreds more throughout Europe," says Elfriede Wind, founder of 4Winds Specialty Tours. "Back then it was only Europeans who did it; now half of my travelers are Americans." Even now, when I started my search for barges, most of the agents and Web sites described hotel barges in France first--gorgeous vessels carrying three to ten couples, with marble bathrooms, minivans, and tour guides to take you en masse into the occasional town, three gourmet meals a day on board, and wine flowing from the taps. OK, maybe that doesn't sound exactly like hell on earth--until you hear the price tag: about $2,000 to $5,000 per person per week. Not the vacation for my family, with two active teenage boys, two independent parents who aren't fond of group tours, and one college tuition in progress. Still I kept on searching for a barge because there was only one thing the whole family could agree on--the vacation had to be on the water. We all felt much like Ratty in The Wind in the Willows when he explained the river's appeal to Mole: "There is nothing--absolutely nothing-- half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.... In or out of 'em, it doesn't matter. Nothing seems really to matter, that's the charm of it." A ton of options Fortunately, I found out that such charm now comes in a wide range of barge possibilities to suit many tastes, temperaments, and budgets. (I also found out that "barge" travel actually includes narrowboats, cabin cruisers, and a range of barges sleeping anywhere from four to 24; but more on that later.) You can travel the canals of Scotland, Ireland, England, Wales, Holland, Germany, France, and, most recently, Venice as well--there are 20,000 miles of waterways being restored for pleasure travel. You can be as lazy as you wish or as active--taking walks or bike trips into town or along the beautiful canal paths. And the way you save money--by keeping service to a minimum or even driving the boat yourself--has the additional benefit of making the trip more customized to your needs as well as more adventurous, while still being supremely relaxing in a way that only "messing about" on the water can be. There are basically three bargain options, all to be had for anywhere from $350 to $1,000 per person per week (not including airfare): You can get a fairly large barge with a captain and crew providing one or two meals a day. You can go with a minimal crew that just drives the boat and leaves you to venture into town to find your own meals and see the sights. Or you can drive the barge, narrowboat, or cabin cruiser yourself. Here's a taste of each. I'm sure Ratty would like them all, but you may have your preferences. I'll tell you about my trip first. 1. Biking and barging in Burgundy--no frills, with crew My family chose the mid-range option: a small barge (sleeps six but four were even happier) with minimal crew to steer the boat, but no meals (except a lovely first-night dinner with champagne), no tour guides (except that our captain and his wife pointed us in all the right directions for food and sights), with wonderful 21-speed bikes (which most barges will provide), all for about $1,000 per person per week. Here was our plan. We decided to knock ourselves out with sightseeing in Paris in July for a full week before, so by the time we got onto our barge we'd be ready to kick back and relax. Sunday afternoon our captain picked us up at the train station in Clamecy (a 90-minute trip from Paris) and drove us to La Chouette, the 70-year-old barge we would call home for a week. We'd be cruising along the Nivernais Canal, smaller and less-traveled than the region's other canal: the Burgundy Canal. We unpacked and were treated to a lovely champagne and coq au vin dinner by the captain and his wife (the only such meal they'd provide). From then on we were on our own--and the boat was ours. We had the run of the front sitting room, the kitchen, the TV room, a bedroom for each of us, two full bathrooms, and of course, the deck above. Monday After a lazy late start, we walked into the town of Vincennes where our barge was moored and had a tasty lunch. Then we set off on our bikes along the canal path for a ten-mile ride into Auxerres. We passed people fishing, cows grazing, and the quaint little houses by the locks that are surrounded by blooming gardens. The beauty of these canal paths is that they are flat (so the pedaling is easy), perfectly maintained, and it's impossible to get lost. If you follow the path, you'll meet up with the barge sooner or later, as we did in Auxerres. So you don't feel as if you need a guide--and any trip into these largely medieval towns is filled with historical treasures--cathedrals, basilicas, galleries, and wonderful food shops. We stocked up on food basics so we could have breakfast or lunch on board when we didn't feel like venturing off the barge. For dinner we splurged at a fancy place called Maxime's in Auxerres. The high point of the fabulous three-course dinner for Evan, my then 12-year-old son, had as much to do with the animals as the food: The French bring their dogs everywhere--there were several sitting quite patiently at their masters' feet, largely hidden by the thick white linen tablecloths. But we found that the French love nothing more than for your children to come pet their dogs--which prompted a lovely couple to come over to our table, dog in tow, to chat about dogs and life. For the rest of us, the food was the thing. My older son, Alex, age 20, had the Charolais beef for which this region of France is famous. Though it's said to be the tastiest beef in the world (and Alex was duly wowed), I felt, after having seen these cute white cows along the hillside all day, that I'd try the escargots. French Lesson Number One: It's very hard to get a bad meal in France. French Lesson Number Two: And the farther outside of Paris you go, the harder it is to find an expensive meal. Tuesday Lunch on the boat. We discovered that the barge glides so smoothly that when you're down below in the bedrooms or the kitchen, you can't even tell you're moving. It was only when we went up on the deck and noticed we were passing cows and fishermen along the banks that we could sense we were making progress. Forget being gently rocked to sleep, as with smaller boats on wilder waterways. But also forget any risk of that wretched seasick feeling. We all cycled into the village of Bailly and visited a few art galleries. Then we pedaled on to some caves at the top of a very long hill for a wine tour and tasting. Note to self: Next time, skip the tour - 90 minutes in a freezing cold cave, conducted in very fast French. Better just to drop in for a taste of the wonderful Irancy sparkling wine--a local specialty so popular that the region consumes everything produced and exports none. Dinner was an amazing feast--and adventure, as well, as it turned out--at Alain Renaudin's restaurant in Irancy. The chef, Alain, loves to mingle. That's what I called it--the boys had a different take on things. French Lesson Number Three: French men love to flirt. Alain (though we were hardly on a first-name basis at the time) came out and sat with us to take our order. When I went inside to the ladies' room (we were eating at patio tables across from the restaurant overlooking the canal) the chef popped out of the kitchen, telling me how the famous San Francisco chef, Alice Waters, had just visited his restaurant a few months ago. He then put his arm around me to point me in the right direction. Oh, those friendly French, I thought. By dessert, things got interesting. Instead of my chocolate mousse arriving in a delicate cup, the waiter delivered a huge, polished stainless steel TUB of mousse. Imagine the size container you might strap on a horse to feed him for a day or two. (Do French horses like chocolate mousse?) Well, I can tell you my husband and both kids did, as I definitely had to pass it around. Then the chef brought out some complimentary sweet wine, Ratafia--a local treat he said we just had to taste. The bike trip back to our boat proved a bit more wobbly than the ride over. Fortunately, it was less than a mile, so we had only one close encounter of the four-wheeled kind. It wasn't until the next morning that the real adventure began. Wednesday While still nestled under the covers, we heard a shuffle of footsteps above decks, muffled voices, more shuffling. When we ambled above, our captain told us that the chef from the restaurant we'd been to last night had come to our barge to invite our family back to his restaurant that morning "for a surprise." Our captain was astonished--he'd never heard of this happening. We had to go, he said, even if we didn't know what the chef had in mind. So off we went on our bikes. Once we reached the restaurant, Alain finished draining a gigantic, boiling pot of lobsters, and scooted my family into his Mercedes (his restaurant was doing very well, even in the countryside). "I'm going to take you on a tour of the town," he announced. We drove off the main road, onto narrow tractor paths only the farmers know, through wine vineyards, straight to the top of the highest hill. The view was unbelievable: Alain pointed out the village of Irancy at the center below, the hub, surrounded by 24 pie wedges of tidy rows of grape vines comprising the 24 tiny vineyards of Irancy (each about 14 acres), owned by 24 families. On the way down the hill, Alain stopped at the homes of two vintners to bring us in for wine tastings in their private cellars. We tasted the new Chablis first--then they pulled out the best years, which Alain assured us was a great and rare honor. French Lesson Number Four: It is very hard to find a bad local wine in Burgundy. This year, Irancy, after making wines for thousands of years, was finally granted the treasured A.C. - Appellation Controlee. The wines we were tasting would soon double and triple in price because of those two little letters. So we sipped our last drops and headed back to Alain's restaurant. Then the good-byes began. French Lesson Number Five: Kiss and kiss again. In Paris, you kiss hello or good-bye twice, once on each cheek. In Burgundy, you kiss three times. In Irancy, after sampling many wonderful wines, French chefs try for four...or more. French Lesson Number Six: Know when it's time to say good-bye and leave (see Lessons Three and Five). We all got on our bikes and waved to Alain as he returned to a steaming stockpot in his kitchen. Someone else was in for a treat that night. We set off for a ride that would take us to a different restaurant and then met up with our barge for a short late afternoon cruise to a new town, and a new adventure. Thursday We woke up early to walk into Mailly-le-Chateau where we'd been told there was a three-time gold-star-winning boulangerie. We bought fabulous French bread and croissants, our usual breakfast fare. Then we ambled up to a thirteenth century church and the grand mansion at the top of the hill of the three Mailly sisters (for whom the town is named), who were all mistresses of Louis XIV. (Or maybe it was XV--our captain couldn't quite remember which Louis. But no matter, he remembered where the bakery was.) In the afternoon, we rode our bikes to Chatel Censoir, home to an international climbing center. We hiked 15 minutes up a short, steep path to the top of the Rochers du Saussois cliffs, where we watched students slide along a wire cable secured between two cliffs and dangle upside down. French Lesson Number Seven: Bring binoculars so you can see the look of terror (or was it the look of too much local wine at lunch?) on the faces of dangling cliff-climbers. Note to self: Do not try this at home...or in France. Friday Our captain called us a taxi so we could drive to Vezelay, a medieval town midway between the Burgundy and Nivernais Canals--and well worth the schlep. It's one of the best shopping spots in Burgundy, for art galleries, crafts, and clothes. Don't miss the knitting shop at the bottom of the hill or the Roman Basilica of St. Mary Magdalene at the top. We taxied on to the next town, Coulanges, where we met our barge and cruised on to Clamecy. We moored next to a big fancy hotel barge--our captain told us it was one of those $30,000-a-week rentals. We waved to the folks on their deck--they smiled and waved back and chatted a bit. French Lesson Number Eight: Boat people are the friendliest group on earth. It doesn't matter if you're in a dinghy or a yacht, we are all equals in sharing Ratty's water passion. We sat on our deck sipping wine, munching the paté and fresh brioche we'd bought in town, and tossing yesterday's baguette crumbs to a quacking family of ducks circling our boat. It was our last night on board. As we waved one last time to the other boat's captain on our way into town for dinner (about two blocks away), we felt very smug to be experiencing all the joys of messing about on the same canal-for a fraction of the price. 2. Self-drive narrowboating in England Judy and Jim Graham, from Littleton, Colorado, picked the smallest boat they could find for just the two of them--$1,000 per week or $500 apiece--started their trip about 150 miles northwest of London in a town called Market Harbor, and ended up at Warwick Castle. "It's a lot different from a barge--more like camping in an RV," Judy explains. "Inside you have two bunk beds and the dining table flips and turns into a double bed." Other narrowboats can handle as many as ten people--they're a lot longer than the Grahams' 60-foot boat. But none is wider than about six feet. "That's about as wide as a double bed," says Judy with a laugh. Jim chimes in: "If you went with another couple, you'd have to know them pretty well--or by the end you sure would." Most of the narrowboats ply the waters in England, rarely in France, because the English canals are especially narrow and shallow, four- to six-feet deep. "To steer, you stand outside, at the back, and operate the tiller," Judy says. "It's like driving a bus." But it isn't hard to handle. "When you start out, they give you instructions and a map that shows where all the locks are and where you refill your water tank for the shower," Judy says. "But next time, I'm not getting a chemical toilet--we'll get one that flushes. The chemical toilet has a bit of an odor." Hmmm, note to self.... Jim says he opened 72 locks on their journey, many of which involved turning a crank manually. "I told Judy, after the first three I felt like Spartacus." But he liked the fact that it gives you a chance to talk to the lockkeepers and other boaters passing through the locks (which can take anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes as the gates close and the water either fills or empties). "You can pull over whenever you want and walk on the towpaths or into town. In the evening, we'd go to pubs and meet local people or people from other barges and narrowboats. The boaters tend to have large extended families." The English have spent a good deal restoring the canals in the last 20 years, and many natives find it a great family holiday--for all generations. "The best part was we could be independent, pull over when we wanted," Judy says. "The narrowboat is very intimate." 3. Self-drive narrowboating in Wales "We've gone on three barge trips in two years, all well under $1,000 for the two of us," say Al and Rosemary Martin, from Westchester County, New York. "We found it very romantic," continues Rosemary. "It gave me new respect for my husband. He was able to drive it and do everything. And we could tie the boat up for a cup of tea, or go for a walk or whatever." Rosemary did say that the boat is so narrow you practically have to walk sideways when you pass each other. And "the beds are rather small," though she didn't say if that last fact was a plus or a minus in her book. "The only problem is that it rains a lot in Wales in the spring - and the food isn't as good as in some other countries," Rosemary says. "We loved the boat, but hated the food." "So the next time, we chartered a cabin cruiser in Belgium," Rosemary explained, and launched into a description of that trip. 4. Self-drive cabin cruisers in Belgium Rosemary and Al liked the small cabin cruiser even better than the narrowboat. "We picked up an adorable 29-foot cabin cruiser that says it sleeps three or four but is really better with two," Rosemary says. "You have a galley with a full kitchen, you're protected when you steer, and you get rocked to sleep at night." Cost: $1,000 for the week, $500 apiece. "One of the highlights was Bruges, a medieval city called the 'Venice of the North' - they make lace there," Rosemary says. Driving the boat is simple, Rosemary insists, but sometimes accidents can happen. "On this last trip, I don't know what I did, but I backed up and broke the rudder." Rudders happen. But the repair was no big deal. "We called the boat owners-remember, you're only ever about 15 to 20 miles away from where you started. We took a walk for a couple of hours until the repairman fixed it." Her advice: Buy the insurance for the boat (around $70). Otherwise, navigation is a piece of cake. "You get a total navigational guide about how long it takes to get from one lock to the next, the towns you'll hit, and the restaurants along the way. They show you how to fill the water tank; the gas usually lasts the whole trip. You can only go 5 mph--you can't hurt anybody or anything--and you can't even get a B&B for this price. "We're thinking about Holland or Italy next," Rosemary says. And she promises not to drive backwards. 5. Biking and barging in Holland Carol and Rollie Cahalane say they rarely bike ride at home in Denver, Colorado. But they had no trouble doing 35 to 45 miles a day on their bike-and-barge trip in Holland, all meals included: $900 per person per week. "We went at tulip time in spring," Carol says. "The weather was warm - and when you're bicycling you don't want hot weather. We would have a typical Dutch breakfast on the barge - cold cuts and fruit. We'd take some of that breakfast and pack a lunch. Then we'd ride off on our bikes - with a guide - and go through the little villages. The boat would move on down the canal. Then we'd hook up with the barge at the end of the day for dinner. We had an excellent French chef," Carol says. In Holland there are very few self-drive boats - the barges tend to be larger than elsewhere in Europe and require a captain and crew. Because they accommodate a larger group, the prices can be excellent, even with full meals and organized tours. The Cahalanes knew almost half of the 22 people on board. But part of the fun, Carol said, was getting to know the others, too. "Every night we'd all try to sit with somebody different at dinner - we tried not to be cliquish. We'd mingle with all the other couples - and we got along great. I wouldn't mind going on a trip where I didn't know anyone. But every time I mention to friends that we want to go on a barge, before I know it we have a whole group that wants to come." The best part about being on the barge? Carol doesn't miss a beat in response: "Not having to pack up every night - even though you're moving to a new town every day. And you go at a slow pace and see things the average tourist will never see. On the bikes, you're on back roads that buses will never go on." For Donna Ferullo, another member of a similar bike-barge trip in Holland, the best part was the bike paths. "They were paradise - you never had to look over your shoulder for cars; they all yield to the bikes," says this Bostonian who is used to riding "with cars on my bumper." And of course, there's the price. "At these prices you feel like you can do one a year," says Carol. "Next year we want to try France." 6. Self-drive barging in the Loire Valley of France Though many veteran barge travelers stress the slow, relaxed pace, Chuck and Julie Feinberg of Flushing, New York, insist these trips are not just for folks who want to take it easy. "We go scuba diving in Southeast Asia and rollerblading in Paris," which Chuck insists is the best city in Europe for that sport. "And then we get on a small boat in the Loire Valley, just for the two of us--55-feet-long and 15-feet-wide--and go. It's luxury roughing," he adds with a laugh. Cost: $1,800 for ten days; less than $800 per person per week. As fifth-grade elementary school teachers in Brooklyn, Chuck and Julie have done their homework. "Most people stay at the base for the first day and start off in the morning. But this is our third year, so we go right off to the first lock," Chuck says. "We chose the Mayennes because there aren't a lot of locks--way up north there are a whole bunch," Chuck explains. "The further north, the more antiquated the locks are and the more manual the locks." That means a little more time and effort is required to pass through than in the automatic locks--maybe 20 minutes per lock instead of 10 or 15. He and Julie have meals down to a science, too. "We know where all the best markets are to stock up our kitchen." And Chuck's willing to share his homework: "The best food markets are in Chateau Gontier and in Lion d'Anger and Laval." And cooking is no problem. "You can tie up anywhere you want--at the locks or anywhere along the banks of the river, any tree. Sometimes as I grill my beef on the hibachi, all I see are the cows who come to check you out." What's the best part? "The freedom, and relaxation," Chuck says. "You don't have to find a place to park your car--you get out and walk and you'll find a boulangerie, charcuterie, fromagerie. You're not that far from the Atlantic--you get the freshest fish. Every single night we had great food. And we picked out wines from the area--Sauvignon and Chenin Blanc and Cabernet Franc--the red grape of the Loire valley. And the local cheeses are fantastic--chevre you can't even find in the most wonderful gourmet stores in the States." "I was a little skeptical at first about our doing it on our own. My French isn't even conversational," Chuck says. But Chuck, along with everyone else I spoke to who spent time in the French countryside, insists that the French, despite their reputation as cool and patronizing, are welcoming to Americans. Besides, the real language of France is food. "One night we tied up not far from a little restaurant," Chuck recounts. "I woke up in the morning and saw a car delivering fresh bread to that restaurant. He noticed us, honked, and came by to sell us fresh-baked baguettes. We love this area. And the boats--you just get more adept at it--so it's even more relaxing." Bargain barge contacts Each of the several barging trips described in this article can be booked from the first three of the four barge brokers named below; all three handle the entirety of the barge trips we discuss here--and at the prices we've quoted. For France only, barge trips can be booked from the fourth (and last) company we've named, and that firm should very definitely be considered (along with the others) for that excellent barging country. Evelyn Gresser and Debbie Petermann: Founder and President of Le Boat, Inc.: World-Wide Holiday Afloat, which for 20 years has been finding people the barge and yacht trips they seek. Phone: 800/992-0291; Web site: leboat.com/ Elfriede Wind: Founder of 4Winds Specialty Tours, the tour division of Kennewick Travel, Inc./American Express in Kennewick, Washington, who can find bargain barge trips anywhere, especially in Holland, her native land. Phone: 509/967-3448; E-mail: st4winds@earthlink.net; Website: 4windstours.com/ Shirley Linde: Editor, Small Ship Cruises and author of 37 books including The World's Most Intimate Cruises (Open Road Publishing, 1999). The Web site is an information center that will help you book specialists in small ships (under 500 passengers) anywhere in the world. E-mail: linde@cruisesmallships.com or cruisesmallships@aol.com; Website: smallshipcruises.com/ The Barge Broker: They can help find you self-drive vessels in France, only. They also can arrange for stays on hotel barges and have a good array of options in a handful of European coutries. Phone: 800/275-9794; E-mail: info@bargebroker.com; Web site: bargebroker.com/ Tips for better barging   If driving the boat yourself sounds too challenging to start, you can rent a captain for about $150 per week, says Evelyn Grasser of Le Boat, Inc. The captain will leave each evening after you dock so you can have the boat to yourself.   Bring binoculars-it's handy for seeing if someone else is already in the locks ahead of you. And it's nice for birdwatching-and people watching, as well.   A sun hat is handy-especially when you're out on deck with the water reflecting the sun.   Wear deck shoes or soled shoes-duh.   Bring wet weather gear-especially if you're steering a narrowboat, you could be exposed to the elements.   Apply sun lotion.   Slather on mosquito repellent at night-it isn't just barges that are fond of shallow water in summer.   If it's important to you to find a route with fewer locks or mostly automatic ones, a cruise agent (see Barge Contacts box) can help you customize your itinerary.   If you are driving the boat yourself, buy the boat insurance.   The larger the group on the barge, the lower the prices will be: Most French barges are small, for six to ten people-that's why they are so expensive when you have a full crew. Still, good deals can be had even in peak times. A few times to note for Holland: the tulip season runs from late March to early May; the Keukenhof-the famous tulip exhibition with indoor and outdoor gardens runs from March 22 to May 24; and 2002 will be the year of the Floriade--a special flower exhibition near the Amsterdam airport that occurs only once every ten years. Final words from barge experts It's easier than it sounds--even if you drive yourself. "Since the waterways are narrow and you are going in one direction, all you really have to remember is pointy end forward," says Shirley Linde, editor of SmallShipCruises.com. And one more thing with narrowboats, which operate on a tiller: push right to go left, left to go right. Barges and cabin cruisers use a steering wheel: no tricks there. Adds Debbie Petermann, president of Le Boat, Inc., "If you have a driver's license, you're overqualified." You don't have far to go--and you only need to travel slowly. "The most territory covered in a week on a barge is about 50 miles; the shortest, seven," says Derek Banks, managing director of European Waterways Ltd., which specializes in the more expensive barge trips. But whatever the price, Derek says, all the boats can only go 5 mph max. Barging--especially the self-drive option--is not so much for a certain age as a certain type. "It's really for active people who want contact with real people in the country and on the boat," says Elfriede Wind, founder of 4Winds Specialty Tours. "We often see people age 50-plus. But we're getting more younger people now and families with kids or with three generations. The younger go bicycling, the grandparents stay on the barge or go for walks--and they can still share their meals and spend time together." It's not just a cheaper way to travel, it's better. "I don't think of self-drive boating as 'no frills,'" insists Evelyn Gresser, founder of Le Boat, Inc., whose daughter Debbie has now joined her in the business to handle the growing demand for barging. "I think of it more as an 'I'll do it myself' kind of holiday, just perfect for people who don't want to follow the tour operator's flag. We have a very large percentage of doctors, lawyers, and academics who are devoted to these trips. As the waterways belong to the public in most of Europe, one can stop wherever the mood takes one," Evelyn says.