Are You Carrie or Miranda?

Our anonymous confessor has inspected and rated hotels and restaurants in the Mid-Atlantic region for the American Automobile Association for 19 years. It's All About Diamonds I'm one of about 65 full-time inspectors employed by AAA, paid to be fussbudgets when it comes to a smudge of ketchup left on a dust ruffle or crumbs under an armoire. The scores we give each hotel (in categories like Guest Services, Room Decor, and Ambience), are weighted and totaled to arrive at the diamond ratings consulted by 50 million members. But our impressions only mean so much. There are specific requirements each property must meet in order to be rated. For instance, to get one diamond a hotel must have vending machines, dead bolts on doors, and bathrooms with a box of facial tissue and at least two bars of soap. Some perfectly nice hotels are omitted from AAA TourBooks or listed without an official rating in a book's FYI section because they don't have dead bolts or vending machines, or they fail to meet one of the many other little requirements. Call Me Jeremy Obviously, it's essential that I remain anonymous while doing assessments. A hotel can scramble to clean up its act in seconds if it knows an inspector is checking in, and it's always a battle to make sure no one is on to me. That's why we disguise ourselves. I used to grow a beard every other year. One inspector I know dyes her hair. Another uses fake glasses. To keep my cover, I'll pay with credit cards that I've taken out in made-up names; American Express has never given me a hard time about these aliases, so long as someone is paying the bills. I pick whatever names pop into my head. One year my pseudonym was Jeremy Richards; the next, Bill Durkin. One Annoying Customer When checking in, I carry all kinds of extra bags to test the bellhops. I tell the front desk I need a late checkout, or a bed board, or a baby-bottle warmer, just to test the hotel's response. Occasionally, I trash my room to see if things get replaced. I hoard the pads and pens, throw the shampoo and lotion into a desk drawer, and maybe shred the toilet paper. A really well-run hotel will soon have everything looking just as it was, or better. Bed Stains and Cockroaches The job can be pretty grim when hotels aren't clean. There has been a lot of media hype about poring over bedspreads with black lights, but you can spot all kinds of stains with the naked eye just by looking carefully. And I don't simply look, but sniff. Often the upholstery will smell like beer, or worse. I'm always on the watch for critters, too. At one hotel restaurant, a column of roaches marched out of the knotty-pine paneling. Mice are common in hotels, since there are crumbs from room service. Once, a front-desk clerk showing me to my motel room started screaming as a rodent boldly ran down the hall. Getting Busted When it comes to food, I'm extremely demanding. I have to order three courses in every restaurant I inspect, whether I'm hungry or not, so I'll taste a bite and ask the waiter to just take it away. I'll send back my flounder, telling him I think it's cod. During one of my tantrums at a place I'd gone back to year after year, the waiter wasn't fazed a bit. After I was done complaining about the chocolate mousse, he grinned and said, "No sweat. Whatever the AAA guy wants, he gets." It was time to start growing another beard.

Pre-cruise Planning There are many options these days when it comes to cruising. If a bargain price is your top priority (rather than a specific destination or time of year), consider sailing during the off-season. Many cruises offer their best rates from September through mid-November in the Caribbean, partly because that period is hurricane season. While older kids are already in school then, for families with infants or toddlers, it can be a very affordable, if less predictable, time to cruise. Another way to save is to target cruise lines that offer kids-cruise-free promotions. Children 17 and under cruise for free on many of Costa Cruises, Caribbean sailings from November through April. This year, youngsters can also sail for free on Costa's two late-April cruises to Bermuda. Similarly, MSC Cruises is expanding its promotion and allowing those 17 and under to sail free not only on Caribbean voyages but those to Europe in the summer as well. Children 6 and older sail free on Windjammer Barefoot Cruises' two family-oriented ships, the Polynesia and the Legacy, each summer. Since 9/11, cruise lines have greatly expanded the number of domestic home ports (ports from which a ship departs) so that passengers who don't want to fly have more flexibility. When traveling with a family, you will save a bundle by selecting a ship and itinerary that departs from a port you can drive to, so you don't have to pay multiple airfares. Some of the latest developments include two ports in Seattle, operating from late April through November; B Street Pier in downtown San Diego, which begins a year-round cruise schedule this May; a new 80,000-square-foot cruise terminal in Norfolk, Va.; and year-round sailings from the Cape Liberty Cruise Port in Bayonne, N.J. Booking Your Cruise Now that major websites such as Expedia and Kayak have entered the cruise market, there tends to be less of a difference in the prices quoted by cruise agencies, consolidators, and cruise lines. Be sure to do your research and compare prices--and read the fine print. Paul Motter, editor of CruiseMates.com, suggests booking through an online cruise-only agency (such as cruises-n-more.com) and calling the agency beforehand, for two reasons. By calling first, you can ascertain the quality of customer service in case you have a problem down the road. Also, you may also be offered a lower rate on the phone than what's listed online. The reason is that large travel and cruise agencies were traditionally able to provide the best discounted cruise fares due to their large volume, but there has been an effort to level the playing field. Most cruise lines now prohibit agencies to advertise--online or in print--discount fares below the lines' approved rate. The exception is that savings, often in the form of rebated commissions or free travel insurance, can be offered verbally over the phone or via e-mail if a potential client makes the initial contact. E-mail newsletters are another exception. Since they are not considered advertisements, large volume agencies and cruise websites (such as CruiseStar.com) can promote discounts in their newsletters. Travel and cruise informational websites that do not sell cruises, such as CruiseMates.com, have free newsletters, that are e-mailed weekly with the best deals, along with daily promotional updates online. You may also want to check out CruiseCompete.com. This online service allows you to specify which cruise ship you want to sail on and when. Cruise-only agencies then get back to you with the best deals they have for that particular cruise. When making a reservation, it's worth considering a "family cabin," which is an alternative to a costly large suite. The rooms vary in design but are generally more accommodating to family needs. Some have either distinct alcoves or separate bedrooms, while others have two bathrooms. Family cabins often come with other perks, such as kid-friendly interior decorating and free room-service delivery. They are available on some ships run by Disney, Norwegian Cruise Line, Princess Cruises, MSC Cruises, and Royal Caribbean. Ask your cruise representative to find out which ships are offering these cabins. Prices are roughly the same for family cabins as for purchasing two separate interior rooms with a connecting interior door. To see an example from Disney Cruise Lines, click here. Doing Your Homework Cruise lines encourage travelers to book a huge array of shore excursions directly through them. It's a no-brainer way to explore on land, but is also a huge assault on your piggy bank--especially for families. Instead, you should do some online research before your cruise by contacting sites, such as PortPromotions.com, that offer some of the same excursions as many cruise lines for up to 25 percent less. You can book online and meet the tours in port at a specified time. (One word of caution: If you don't book your excursion through the cruise line and are late returning to port, the ship won't necessarily wait for you.) A good rule of thumb is to look over the cruise line's shore excursions ahead of time and choose one "must-do" and then find things you'd like to explore independently in the other ports. For example, in Alaska, cruise lines offer one-of-a-kind excursions such as walking on a glacier or dogsledding. If you splurge on one, explore other ports and more accessible attractions on your own to help offset the cost. Keep in mind that a few cruise lines have children's rates for select excursions that can provide savings of $5-$25 off the adult rate. Other pre-trip research should include finding out how close the port is to the main town or city, names of beaches you'd like to explore, and what attractions your kids might enjoy. For families, it's much more affordable to hop in a cab portside and go to a beach independently than to buy a shore excursion in which the operator and the cruise line are both making money from your purchase. Once Aboard The cruise line will start an account for you once you're aboard ship that you'll pay by credit card at the end of your cruise. The account typically covers your drink bill (both alcoholic and nonalcoholic), shop purchases, specialty restaurant tabs, spa services, and shore excursions. If your kids can't live without electronic games, they'll be happy that the majority of large ships catering to families have extensive game arcades. However, the cost of these video games can really add up. Set a limit ahead of time so that there won't be any tears on your kids' part when you say no and on your part when you receive the bill. When cruising in the hot Caribbean, drinks of all kinds will also raise your final bill. If your kids are big soda drinkers, purchase a soda card for them (which usually costs around $30 for a week) so that they can get all the drinks they want during the cruise for one lump sum. Additionally, juice bars--which make frosty, nonalcoholic fruit drinks your kids will love--are popping up a lot at sea. They will cost you extra, so you may want to set a limit on these with your youngsters, too. Ice tea served at meals is generally free. Many teens, and parents, have a hard time disconnecting from their e-mail. The beauty of a cruise is that you don't have to. However, you will pay the price. Most cruise lines offer a package fee for Internet access, which I strongly suggest you opt for. Otherwise, you will pay at least 50 cents per minute, even for connection time, which is slow while at sea. With some pre-trip preparation and shipboard savvy, your family can save money and still have a memorable experience. Once your kids have a taste of all the fun activities there are to do--with and without you--we suspect they'll be asking you to cruise again.

SCOPING OTHERS' PLANS Yahoo's Trip Planner (travel.yahoo.com/trip) allows the curious to browse thousands of member-created itineraries, which include reviews and photos. The Verdict: There are no profiles to check a reviewer's age or interests, so you have little choice but to sift through itineraries one at a time; Portland had nearly 400 trips when I last looked. Using specific keywords--like "Portland Oregon shopping" rather than "Portland"--helps narrow the results. Most itineraries tend to be simple lists of sights with cookie-cutter reviews: All trips recommending the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry, for example, have the same description--which comes not from another traveler but Wcities, a San Francisco--based online destination guide partnered with Yahoo. There's a spot for members to voice their own thoughts, but most don't bother. Overall, the Yahoo trips are less useful than a guidebook or tips from an informed local. However, the site does provide good driving directions between activities. USING PROFILES TO CONNECT At TripConnect.com, members create profiles listing age and interests, as well as reviews of hotels, clubs, markets, and more from the places they've traveled. There are a few methods for getting tips: You can surf the profiles looking for recommendations, create your own profile with a wish list of destinations and hope that another member responds with advice, post questions to special-interest groups (art, bicycling, seniors, shopping, etc.), and send messages directly to members. The site went live in 2006 and is still in the beta-test stage. The Verdict: Seeking advice directly from other travelers yields the best response, though browsing through profiles is a good way to get an overview of a destination and learn about hotspots. In-depth reviews are few and far between, and weeks after posting a question I had still received only a single response. After a few messages targeted at members who seemed knowledgeable, however, I found out about a cool bookstore (Powell's Books) and a great pub (McMenamins). Unfortunately, as it turns out, neither of these recommendations are anything special; both spots are well-known and listed in just about every Portland guidebook. HUNTING FOR A TRAVEL GURU TripMates.com looks and operates like Facebook or MySpace for travelers, with detailed profiles--occupation, languages spoken, even personal blogs and videos--and networks of "Tripmates" (friends) around the world who exchange info and occasionally meet up. The site's most interesting feature is that it can hook you up with a "Trip Guru" who supposedly will share insider tips--and sometimes even guide visitors in person. The Verdict: There's no application process or specific requirements to become a guru; anyone willing to help travelers gets the title, so finding a good one is hit-or-miss. I sent requests to 13 Portland gurus and received three responses. One guru briefed me on five different shopping districts, including details on a few of her favorite stores. Another guru was no help, though I appreciated her honesty: She replied to say that she wasn't really an expert and didn't have any tips. Finally, one young woman not only responded, she met me for an afternoon and showed me an eclectic jewelry store, a snowboarding shop, a denim boutique, and a fun upscale shoe store. She also pointed out good restaurants and trendy bars, supplying what seemed to be better information than what I'd gather from a search engine or outdated guidebook.

It's no wonder companies love the idea of self-service--fewer employees means lower overhead. The travel industry, in particular, has jumped on the trend. Airlines encourage passengers to check themselves in at home or at the airport, and even car-rental companies have begun getting in on the action. The Finnish hotel chain Omena is taking self-serve technology to the next level (011-358/20-7716-555, omena.com). Inspired by low-fare carriers, CEO Bill Anckar created a business model with as few staffers as possible. These hotels don't have bellhops, front-desk clerks, or even front desks. As a result, prices are low: $72 for up to four guests. "We're kind of like McDonald's," Anckar says. "All of our locations will have the same product for more or less the same price." When making a reservation--online, at a lobby kiosk, or over the phone ($8 extra)--you supply your passport number and cell-phone number and pay immediately. You pick a five-digit door code and receive a room number; the code works from 4 p.m. on arrival day to noon the day you check out. Early check-in (1:30 P.M.) can be arranged a day ahead for a $6.50 fee. Cancellations are allowed if made at least 24 hours ahead of scheduled arrival, though refunds incur a 10 percent fee (never more than $13). You can also change dates or request a voucher good at any Omena property, with no penalty. Each room is equipped with a double bed, a convertible sofa, down quilts, a bathroom with a shower, and an interactive TV that can be used for ordering breakfast, if available, or Wi-Fi access ($8.50 and from $12, respectively), as well as for contacting the maintenance, housecleaning, and security staffs. For urgent needs, like a door code that won't work, there's a 24-hour help line. Rather than going so far as to send a human being to address the issue, Omena will most likely supply a code for a new room. Hotel security is limited to guards who are on call but not necessarily on the premises. After a three-year pilot program in three smaller Finnish cities (Tampere, Turku, and Vaasa), Omena is opening two Helsinki hotels in 2007 and properties in Stockholm and Moscow in 2008. The company plans to operate 50 hotels throughout Europe by 2012. Perhaps by then they'll have robots delivering room service.