How to Spend Your Tax Rebate

It's called deep denial I was on a flight to visit family, with my 2-year-old toddler and 7-week-old baby. Our first flight was a puddle jumper filled with businesspeople that got us from our rural town to Denver. I was nursing as discreetly as possible while trying to hand a toy to my toddler. The baby somehow got dislodged from feeding, and a stream of milk shot out of my breast. Unfortunately, the milk sprayed my neighbor's neck and shoulder, staining his shirt collar and suit. He never said a word. He just wiped his neck off and kept reading his reports. Jennifer Aguilar, Durango, Colo. He was saving it for later I took my kids, Daniel and Julia, to Walt Disney World when they were four and seven. They were most excited about the plane ride, their first. Before we took off, I gave Daniel a piece of gum and said, "Chew this. It'll help your ears." About 30 seconds later, I was surprised to see him attempting to put his chewed gum inside his ear. Jean Dehne, Whitefish Bay, Wis. Open mouth, insert...foot It had been a long and exhausting day at Epcot, and my husband and I were on the bus back to our hotel. Nearby, a young woman was holding a baby—the child was completely relaxed, arms and legs splayed. Smiling at the woman, my husband nodded at the child, and said, "I wish I could do that." There was an awkward silence, during which we realized that the mother was discreetly nursing. She burst out laughing, and we exited at the next stop—even though it wasn't ours. Sara Thompson, Statesville, N.C. Good thing for you you're never going to age To celebrate my 40th birthday and my mother's 70th, we went to England to see exactly where our ancestors lived. After a week of driving on the wrong side of the road, we were on the wrong side of each other's nerves. Then we got turned around on a roundabout and became lost somewhere in the Cotswolds. I spotted this sign and informed my mom that this was her stop. Tricia Du Four, Twin Peaks, Calif. One for the mantel It wasn't just the crabs in black bean sauce that made Chinatown in Portland, Ore., memorable. There was also this restaurant's sign. Between giggles, I took a picture of my husband, Sam, standing under it. Our daughters are too young to comprehend what we found so amusing. Whew! Claudia Fenner, Dix Hills, N.Y. Some women just won't take a hint When my wife and I went to Thailand for our 10th wedding anniversary, it took a lot of persuading to convince her to leave our 9-year-old son with his grandparents. Naturally, we missed our son, so toward the end, we decided to make a "treasure box" for him, filled with trinkets from the trip. At a 7-Eleven, I showed what I thought were Yu-Gi-Oh! cards to my wife (our son is obsessed with them). She burst out laughing and said, "I don't think our son is old enough for condoms." Byron Lee, Portola Valley, Calif. Hand it to the folks on the other side of the curtain My son and I traveled to St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands, when he was 4 years old. On each of our flights, we studied the pocket card to review the plane's safety features. We focused on the picture that read, do not throw anything down the toilet. I explained to my son why this was an important rule. Ten days later, on our way home, we again reviewed the safety card on each flight. On our final leg, my son went to the lavatory. Some time had passed when the flight attendant approached me with a horrified look. "He needs you!" she said. My son was behind her, holding up a wad of decidedly used toilet paper. "What am I supposed to do with this?" he asked. John Larson, Dorchester, Mass. Buy the book on amazon.com or barnesandnoble.com.

She's got trunk in the junk "In the jungles of Nepal's Royal Chitwan National Park, my friend and I were invited to bathe with an elephant in the river that flowed directly in front of our guesthouse. The guesthouse owner told me to grab the elephant's ear with my left hand and the other ear with my right hand. Then he smoothed out the elephant's trunk so it curved downward, ending near my feet. 'Step on its trunk and it'll flip you onto its back,' he said. I grasped the animal's rough, hairy ears and placed one trembling foot on its trunk. Next thing I knew, my crotch was smothering the elephant's face! My friends were too busy laughing to offer any help." Anna Wexler, Cambridge, Mass. Yeah, if Muppets had two-inch claws "In Panama, while driving from Panama City to the coast, my wife and I crossed paths with a three-toed sloth that decided it needed to cross the road. As we watched it slowly make progress (and that's being generous), we opted to give the Muppet-like creature a hand. After cautiously carrying the sloth across the highway, we said our good-­byes and continued our drive looking for wildlife on the Pan-American Highway." Jacob Jones, Poulsbo, Wash. "So we ate it for lunch" "On a recent cruise to Grand Cayman, we went to Stingray City. As the stingrays swarmed around us, our guide explained how tame they are and offered to lift one so that we could pet it. We all laughed at the friendly smile of the stingray as we took photographs of it. I suppose it had enough of our attention, or I snapped one too many pictures, because it spit salt water right in my face." Susan Dodder, Hattiesburg, Miss. For a good time, call Yertle at 555-1321 "Sailing around Panama's San Blas archipelago, I was approached each morning by Kuna Indians in canoes selling lobsters, crabs, and fish. One day they had a 50-pound sea turtle, which they hoped to sell as food. We agreed on a price of $20 and transferred the turtle to my dinghy. When the Kuna were out of sight, I took a Magic Marker and drew a heart on the turtle's back—it was Valentine's Day—along with my name and phone number, and drove it out to the reef and released it." Sam Leming, Indianapolis, Ind. So the giraffe says, "Wanna neck?" "The giraffes we encountered at a Kenyan reserve will eat from your hand, but if you put a nugget of food in your mouth, they'll take it from there, too. My grandson Andrew was eager to give it a try—and he got the best kiss of all. French, anyone?" Aileen Saunders, College Place, Wash. Probably Jovan Musk "While in South Africa, I went on several game drives, and I think it may have been mating season. Or maybe this one impala was just really lonely. Whatever the case, the animal was quite excited to see Jacob, one of my companions. 'Get it off me!' he yelled. 'Get it off me!' Our group was laughing so hard that we couldn't help him out. Besides, the impala clearly wasn't going to hurt him. It just wanted to love him. So we kept asking, 'What kind of cologne are you wearing, Jacob?'" Sheila Siegel, Belleville, Ill. Love hurts "On a cruise from Tahiti, my wife and I opted for a snorkeling excursion. She kept insisting that I allow a man to dangle fish over me to feed the stingrays. I told her no several times before deciding that I should confront my fear. When I got next to the man with the fish, however, a stingray latched onto my nipple, creating an incredibly painful wound. The ship's doctor said he'd never heard of such an incident, adding that the underside of a female ray is white, and maybe when the male saw my belly, he tried to mate with me instead." Richard A. Wood, Las Vegas, Nev. This little piggy went to the bar "I recently went to a sailing school in St. Croix, in the U.S. Virgin Islands, with my husband and a friend. One day we went to visit the beer-drinking pigs that we'd seen advertised. We found the bar, but a sign said the pigs were refusing to drink the beer. I persuaded the owners to let me try. I leaned over the pigpen and opened the beer—and a pig got up and grabbed the can out of my hand! It gulped the beer down in a few seconds. I'm not sure who was more entertained, the pig or me!" Shirley Weidenhamer, Venice, Fla. Who says you have to choose? "Before I left on a Gate 1 trip to Peru, my friend Janis warned me to be careful around any llamas. 'I've heard they spit on you and it's really nasty,' she said. At a llama farm near Cuzco, I had no trouble with the llamas or the alpacas. A vicuña, how­ever, bit me and tried to give me a good thrashing with his hooves. I believe I'd rather be spit on if I had to choose be­tween the two." Marlene Jackson, Columbus, Ind. We'll be darned if that camel isn't having a Coke and a smile "I came across a man with his camel near one of the major tourist sites in Petra, Jordan. He pointed at the soda bottle I was holding, so I gave it to him. He took a drink, then gave the rest to his camel, which held the bottle in its mouth and finished every last drop! I was ready to retrieve a beer from my hotel for the camel's next trick, but the man said that his camel doesn't drink on the job." Adam Tennen, Scottsdale, Ariz. Score one for the llama "My fiancée and I enjoy zoos and animal parks. While at a park in Bandon, Ore., I got to spend some one-on-one time with a llama. I was stroking his neck, and he seemed to be enjoying it, when—wham! I was covered from head to waist with the most vile-smelling vomit I've ever known. It was in my hair, on my clothes, even in my mouth and up my nose. As I stood there dumbfounded, wondering what happened, my fiancée was doubled over laughing. She evidently knew that llamas are known to spit—but she failed to clue me in until it was too late. To this day I suffer from llamaphobia." Richard Kyle, Bellevue, Wash. Buy the book on amazon.com or barnesandnoble.com.

Brian Patton: Hi, This is Brian Patton, co-author of the Canadian Rockies Trail Guide, published by summerthought.com. There's still snow on the ground up here in the Canadian Rockies, but it's melting quickly, so lets get started. _______________________ Franklin, N.C.: We would like to travel from Toronto to Vancouver by rail. Can we get a 30-rail pass with the option to get on and off for several days at a time? Brian Patton: Yes, it is sold by VIA Rail. Be aware that prices vary greatly between classes and at different times of year. You also save by booking in advance. _______________________ Seattle, Wash.: Brian, I've used your books since the 1980s and have always been amazed at the accuracy. In this regard, how much time to you spend hiking each year? Also, there seem to be less hikers on the most remote trails these days or am I imagining things? Regards, Paul Brian Patton: Your observations may be correct. More people are visiting our parks than ever before, by the interests of these visitors are changing and the backcountry remains relatively uncrowded. _______________________ Brooklyn, N.Y.: I plan on traveling there with a few 50ish year old girlfriends who are into viewing the beauty and a little trail walking. If we have 9 days (Sat to Sun), where would you suggest we begin, end and see inbetween? Also, what's the best time for viewing in some degree of comfort? —Joan Brian Patton: If you are flying into Calgary, divide your time between Banff, Lake Louise and Jasper. With advance planning, a day trip to Lake O'Hara is well worthwhile. Lake Louise is the focus of the most easily reached scenic hiking. You should make accommodation reservations well in advance for summer. _______________________ Washington, D.C.: I want to see the Rockies in the summer with my husband, who's never been, and our baby of 17 months. I need suggestions for a home base with nice surroundings during baby naptime and some EASY hiking trails. I was thinking of a rental cabin in the Estes Park area, am I missing out by not considering another, less popular town? P.S. I also like to fly-fish. Brian Patton: Estes Park is in Colorado, not Canada, but if you do make it to the Canadian Rockies, the towns of both Banff and Jasper are well suited for families with young children. _______________________ Surprise, Ariz.: Outside of distance and watching for animals what else do we need to consider when driving in AB and BC? We understand that it is beautiful and we look forward to visiting this summer. —Alden Brian Patton: The two elements you mention are the most important. The best way to avoid the latter is by not driving at dawn, dusk, or night. Also remember posted distances and speeds are in kilometers (not miles). And keep the gas tank full when driving in northern regions. _______________________ Chapel Hill, N.C.: We are an active retired couple wanting to see the Canadian Rockies on a limited budget. How can we spend two weeks there, (last week of August and first week of September would be best, if the weather is usually good at that time)? We like gourmet cooking and luxury, but at an affordable price. Otherwise we can rough it. Thanks. Brian Patton: You could rent a campervan in Calgary (from Cruise Canada or similar), cook your own meals, and camp for around $30 per night, although you may find prices lower in September than August. Mountain View B&B in Banff is an apartment rather than a bed and breakfast and has its own cooking facilities at weekly reasonable prices. _______________________ Corona de Tucson, AZ (near Tucson): My husband and I would like to travel to the Canadian Rockies—Banff, Lake Louise, etc. as well as Glacier National Park in the USA. We are planning on doing this in 2009. We are open as to what time of year. Most of what I have read talks about taking the train from Vancouver to the area and then back or flying back from Calgary or Edmonton. We don't mind renting a car, but understand you cannot rent a car in Canada and take it across the border to the USA. What would be the best way to accomplish this? We would enjoy spending a few days in Vancover again (its been 12 years since out last tirp) and then are open to whatever you would suggest. We are in our 50's, not afraid of a little adventure, but not in shape for mountain climbing. We can take 2-3 weeks for this trip. Brian Patton: The train trip you talk of (Rocky Mountaineer) is popular but expensive. Three weeks is enough time to fly into Vancouver and drive to the Canadian Rockies for two weeks and return to Vancouver by car. You'll also see much more of western Canada while also being able to set your own schedule. _______________________ Portland, Ore.: I'm after a guidebook for our driving trip through Banff and Jasper. Do you have any suggestions? Brian Patton: I author a book called Parkways of the Canadian Rockies, which is an interpretive guide to park highways. The best local maps are those made by Gem Trek. _______________________ North Falmouth, Mass.: We will be in the Rockies (Banff, Jasper) during the first week of September. Are there restaurants where we can get good meals at reasonable prices? Everything seems to be so expensive. We plan to ask the locals where they go and hope that works. Thanks. Brian Patton: Relative to cost of your entire trip, restaurant meals will only be a small part, so you should try at least a couple of the better restaurants serving local cuisine: Bison Bistro or Maple Leaf in Banff, Storm Mountain Lodge on the way to Radium, Becker's or Andy's Bistro in Jasper. Truffle Pig Café in Field is a hidden gem. In Banff, Masala (East Indian) and a few Thai places are cheaper but not remarkable. _______________________ Mullica Hill, N.J.: Hello there. My husband and I are avid wilderness canoeists who enjoy long river trips, spending one night or two tenting along our route. Can you suggest some canoeing routes of a week or so where we would enter at one location and have a reputable company pick us up? Thank You, Susan Brian Patton: There are no such companies in the Canadian Rockies. The most revered river in western Canada for longer trips is the South Nahanni in the NWT. Do an internet search and you'll find a couple of companies that arrange the logistics for independent floats. _______________________ New York, N.Y.: Brian, is it a common thing to experience lightheadedness when visiting the Canadian Rockies? I had sight discomfort while visiting the Grand Canyon. Please advise. Thank you, Anna Brian Patton: Most of the popular hiking trails start at 4500-5000 ft above sea level, below the height that most people experience altitude sickness. That said, there is less oxygen in the air at higher altitudes, and some people are more susceptible than others. The most common symptom is a headache. At higher altitude, dehydration occurs more quickly than at sea level, so plan on drinking plenty of water. _______________________ Boston, Mass.: When is the best or least inexpensive time to take a train trip across Canada roundtrip from Montreal and back for 2? Brian Patton: The least expensive time is winter, but the warmer months are better. Try and book just before or after high season (June to Sept) to save money. _______________________ Sebring, Fla.: We wish to travel east to west from Halifax to Winnipeg. Can we secure a sleeper berth with private bath during the winter months? And if possible, can you give us the cost for this trip? Brian Patton: Please check viarail.ca for all prices and schedules. _______________________ Brian Patton: Thanks for all your questions and enjoy your travels to the Canadian Rockies and Canada.

You may never need to know how to foil a UFO abduction, and treating the hiccups may not qualify as "avoiding disaster." Still, The Complete Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook offers a whimsical take on what to do when faced with various predicaments, both outlandish and mundane. The recently published anthology features highlights from 11 previous Survival Handbooks. Each mini chapter has a "How To" section with step-by-step instructions for reacting to various circumstances, plus diagrams that illustrate the fine points. At least a dozen of the situations in The Complete Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook are travel-related. We've collected some of the most helpful and amusing pieces of travel advice in the following slide show. Images courtesy The Complete Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook by Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht with illustrations by Brenda Brown (Chronicle Books), $24.95, chroniclebooks.com.