10 Small Museums in Washington, D.C.

Before my family and I booked our barge adventure in France last summer, I had only heard about one kind of barge trip - expensive, luxurious, and not for kids. Turns out, after much exploring, that there's a whole hidden world of really low-priced (okay, sometimes downright cheap) barges and boats of all sorts that let you travel on the canals and waterways all over Europe, going where you please, when you please. But this wonderful, inexpensive underbelly of barging is a world many travel professionals like to keep a trade secret. Or, in fairness, they may just not know much about it, as it is only in the last few years that barging has become so popular in the U.S. that smart tour operators (see Barge Contacts below) have come up with bargain options to feed the growing demand. "When I started arranging barge trips 11 years ago there were two barges in all of Holland-now there are 40, with hundreds more throughout Europe," says Elfriede Wind, founder of 4Winds Specialty Tours. "Back then it was only Europeans who did it; now half of my travelers are Americans." Even now, when I started my search for barges, most of the agents and Web sites described hotel barges in France first-gorgeous vessels carrying three to ten couples, with marble bathrooms, minivans, and tour guides to take you en masse into the occasional town, three gourmet meals a day on board, and wine flowing from the taps. OK, maybe that doesn't sound exactly like hell on earth - until you hear the price tag: about $2,000 to $5,000 per person per week. Not the vacation for my family, with two active teenage boys, two independent parents who aren't fond of group tours, and one college tuition in progress. Still I kept on searching for a barge because there was only one thing the whole family could agree on - the vacation had to be on the water. We all felt much like Ratty in The Wind in the Willows when he explained the river's appeal to Mole: "There is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.... In or out of 'em, it doesn't matter. Nothing seems really to matter, that's the charm of it." A ton of options Fortunately, I found out that such charm now comes in a wide range of barge possibilities to suit many tastes, temperaments, and budgets. (I also found out that "barge" travel actually includes narrowboats, cabin cruisers, and a range of barges sleeping anywhere from four to 24; but more on that later.) You can travel the canals of Scotland, Ireland, England, Wales, Holland, Germany, France, and, most recently, Venice as well - there are 20,000 miles of waterways being restored for pleasure travel. You can be as lazy as you wish or as active - taking walks or bike trips into town or along the beautiful canal paths. And the way you save money - by keeping service to a minimum or even driving the boat yourself - has the additional benefit of making the trip more customized to your needs as well as more adventurous, while still being supremely relaxing in a way that only "messing about" on the water can be. There are basically three bargain options, all to be had for anywhere from $350 to $1,000 per person per week (not including airfare): You can get a fairly large barge with a captain and crew providing one or two meals a day. You can go with a minimal crew that just drives the boat and leaves you to venture into town to find your own meals and see the sights. Or you can drive the barge, narrowboat, or cabin cruiser yourself. Here's a taste of each. I'm sure Ratty would like them all, but you may have your preferences. I'll tell you about my trip first. 1. Biking and barging in Burgundy--no frills, with crew My family chose the mid-range option: a small barge (sleeps six but four were even happier) with minimal crew to steer the boat, but no meals (except a lovely first-night dinner with champagne), no tour guides (except that our captain and his wife pointed us in all the right directions for food and sights), with wonderful 21-speed bikes (which most barges will provide), all for about $1,000 per person per week. Here was our plan. We decided to knock ourselves out with sightseeing in Paris in July for a full week before, so by the time we got onto our barge we'd be ready to kick back and relax. Sunday afternoon Our captain picked us up at the train station in Clamecy (a 90-minute trip from Paris) and drove us to La Chouette, the 70-year-old barge we would call home for a week. We'd be cruising along the Nivernais Canal, smaller and less-traveled than the region's other canal: the Burgundy Canal. We unpacked and were treated to a lovely champagne and coq au vin dinner by the captain and his wife (the only such meal they'd provide). From then on we were on our own - and the boat was ours. We had the run of the front sitting room, the kitchen, the TV room, a bedroom for each of us, two full bathrooms, and of course, the deck above. Monday After a lazy late start, we walked into the town of Vincennes where our barge was moored and had a tasty lunch. Then we set off on our bikes along the canal path for a ten-mile ride into Auxerres. We passed people fishing, cows grazing, and the quaint little houses by the locks that are surrounded by blooming gardens. The beauty of these canal paths is that they are flat (so the pedaling is easy), perfectly maintained, and it's impossible to get lost. If you follow the path, you'll meet up with the barge sooner or later, as we did in Auxerres. So you don't feel as if you need a guide - and any trip into these largely medieval towns is filled with historical treasures - cathedrals, basilicas, galleries, and wonderful food shops. We stocked up on food basics so we could have breakfast or lunch on board when we didn't feel like venturing off the barge. For dinner we splurged at a fancy place called Maxime's in Auxerres. The high point of the fabulous three-course dinner for Evan, my then 12-year-old son, had as much to do with the animals as the food: The French bring their dogs everywhere - there were several sitting quite patiently at their masters' feet, largely hidden by the thick white linen tablecloths. But we found that the French love nothing more than for your children to come pet their dogs - which prompted a lovely couple to come over to our table, dog in tow, to chat about dogs and life. For the rest of us, the food was the thing. My older son, Alex, age 20, had the Charolais beef for which this region of France is famous. Though it's said to be the tastiest beef in the world (and Alex was duly wowed), I felt, after having seen these cute white cows along the hillside all day, that I'd try the escargots. French Lesson Number One: It's very hard to get a bad meal in France. French Lesson Number Two: And the farther outside of Paris you go, the harder it is to find an expensive meal. Tuesday Lunch on the boat. We discovered that the barge glides so smoothly that when you're down below in the bedrooms or the kitchen, you can't even tell you're moving. It was only when we went up on the deck and noticed we were passing cows and fishermen along the banks that we could sense we were making progress. Forget being gently rocked to sleep, as with smaller boats on wilder waterways. But also forget any risk of that wretched seasick feeling. We all cycled into the village of Bailly and visited a few art galleries. Then we pedaled on to some caves at the top of a very long hill for a wine tour and tasting. Note to self: Next time, skip the tour - 90 minutes in a freezing cold cave, conducted in very fast French. Better just to drop in for a taste of the wonderful Irancy sparkling wine - a local specialty so popular that the region consumes everything produced and exports none. Dinner was an amazing feast - and adventure, as well, as it turned out - at Alain Renaudin's restaurant in Irancy. The chef, Alain, loves to mingle. That's what I called it - the boys had a different take on things. French Lesson Number Three: French men love to flirt. Alain (though we were hardly on a first-name basis at the time) came out and sat with us to take our order. When I went inside to the ladies' room (we were eating at patio tables across from the restaurant overlooking the canal) the chef popped out of the kitchen, telling me how the famous San Francisco chef, Alice Waters, had just visited his restaurant a few months ago. He then put his arm around me to point me in the right direction. Oh, those friendly French, I thought. By dessert, things got interesting. Instead of my chocolate mousse arriving in a delicate cup, the waiter delivered a huge, polished stainless steel TUB of mousse. Imagine the size container you might strap on a horse to feed him for a day or two. (Do French horses like chocolate mousse?) Well, I can tell you my husband and both kids did, as I definitely had to pass it around. Then the chef brought out some complimentary sweet wine, Ratafia - a local treat he said we just had to taste. The bike trip back to our boat proved a bit more wobbly than the ride over. Fortunately, it was less than a mile, so we had only one close encounter of the four-wheeled kind. It wasn't until the next morning that the real adventure began. Wednesday While still nestled under the covers, we heard a shuffle of footsteps above decks, muffled voices, more shuffling. When we ambled above, our captain told us that the chef from the restaurant we'd been to last night had come to our barge to invite our family back to his restaurant that morning "for a surprise." Our captain was astonished - he'd never heard of this happening. We had to go, he said, even if we didn't know what the chef had in mind. So off we went on our bikes. Once we reached the restaurant, Alain finished draining a gigantic, boiling pot of lobsters, and scooted my family into his Mercedes (his restaurant was doing very well, even in the countryside). "I'm going to take you on a tour of the town," he announced. We drove off the main road, onto narrow tractor paths only the farmers know, through wine vineyards, straight to the top of the highest hill. The view was unbelievable: Alain pointed out the village of Irancy at the center below, the hub, surrounded by 24 pie wedges of tidy rows of grape vines comprising the 24 tiny vineyards of Irancy (each about 14 acres), owned by 24 families. On the way down the hill, Alain stopped at the homes of two vintners to bring us in for wine tastings in their private cellars. We tasted the new Chablis first - then they pulled out the best years, which Alain assured us was a great and rare honor. French Lesson Number Four: It is very hard to find a bad local wine in Burgundy. This year, Irancy, after making wines for thousands of years, was finally granted the treasured A.C. - Appellation Controlee. The wines we were tasting would soon double and triple in price because of those two little letters. So we sipped our last drops and headed back to Alain's restaurant. Then the good-byes began. French Lesson Number Five: Kiss and kiss again. In Paris, you kiss hello or good-bye twice, once on each cheek. In Burgundy, you kiss three times. In Irancy, after sampling many wonderful wines, French chefs try for four...or more. French Lesson Number Six: Know when it's time to say good-bye and leave (see Lessons Three and Five). We all got on our bikes and waved to Alain as he returned to a steaming stockpot in his kitchen. Someone else was in for a treat that night. We set off for a ride that would take us to a different restaurant and then met up with our barge for a short late afternoon cruise to a new town, and a new adventure. Thursday We woke up early to walk into Mailly-le-Chateau where we'd been told there was a three-time gold-star-winning boulangerie. We bought fabulous French bread and croissants, our usual breakfast fare. Then we ambled up to a thirteenth century church and the grand mansion at the top of the hill of the three Mailly sisters (for whom the town is named), who were all mistresses of Louis XIV. (Or maybe it was XV - our captain couldn't quite remember which Louis. But no matter, he remembered where the bakery was.) In the afternoon, we rode our bikes to Chatel Censoir, home to an international climbing center. We hiked 15 minutes up a short, steep path to the top of the Rochers du Saussois cliffs, where we watched students slide along a wire cable secured between two cliffs and dangle upside down. French Lesson Number Seven: Bring binoculars so you can see the look of terror (or was it the look of too much local wine at lunch?) on the faces of dangling cliff-climbers. Note to self: Do not try this at home...or in France. Friday Our captain called us a taxi so we could drive to Vezelay, a medieval town midway between the Burgundy and Nivernais Canals - and well worth the schlep. It's one of the best shopping spots in Burgundy, for art galleries, crafts, and clothes. Don't miss the knitting shop at the bottom of the hill or the Roman Basilica of St. Mary Magdalene at the top. We taxied on to the next town, Coulanges, where we met our barge and cruised on to Clamecy. We moored next to a big fancy hotel barge - our captain told us it was one of those $30,000-a-week rentals. We waved to the folks on their deck - they smiled and waved back and chatted a bit. French Lesson Number Eight: Boat people are the friendliest group on earth. It doesn't matter if you're in a dinghy or a yacht, we are all equals in sharing Ratty's water passion. We sat on our deck sipping wine, munching the pate and fresh brioche we'd bought in town, and tossing yesterday's baguette crumbs to a quacking family of ducks circling our boat. It was our last night on board. As we waved one last time to the other boat's captain on our way into town for dinner (about two blocks away), we felt very smug to be experiencing all the joys of messing about on the same canal-for a fraction of the price. 2. Self-drive narrowboating in England Judy and Jim Graham, from Littleton, Colorado, picked the smallest boat they could find for just the two of them-$1,000 per week or $500 apiece - started their trip about 150 miles northwest of London in a town called Market Harbor, and ended up at Warwick Castle. "It's a lot different from a barge - more like camping in an RV," Judy explains. "Inside you have two bunk beds and the dining table flips and turns into a double bed." Other narrowboats can handle as many as ten people - they're a lot longer than the Grahams' 60-foot boat. But none is wider than about six feet. "That's about as wide as a double bed," says Judy with a laugh. Jim chimes in: "If you went with another couple, you'd have to know them pretty well - or by the end you sure would." Most of the narrowboats ply the waters in England, rarely in France, because the English canals are especially narrow and shallow, four- to six-feet deep. "To steer, you stand outside, at the back, and operate the tiller," Judy says. "It's like driving a bus." But it isn't hard to handle. "When you start out, they give you instructions and a map that shows where all the locks are and where you refill your water tank for the shower," Judy says. "But next time, I'm not getting a chemical toilet - we'll get one that flushes. The chemical toilet has a bit of an odor." Hmmm, note to self.... Jim says he opened 72 locks on their journey, many of which involved turning a crank manually. "I told Judy, after the first three I felt like Spartacus." But he liked the fact that it gives you a chance to talk to the lockkeepers and other boaters passing through the locks (which can take anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes as the gates close and the water either fills or empties). "You can pull over whenever you want and walk on the towpaths or into town. In the evening, we'd go to pubs and meet local people or people from other barges and narrowboats. The boaters tend to have large extended families." The English have spent a good deal restoring the canals in the last 20 years, and many natives find it a great family holiday - for all generations. "The best part was we could be independent, pull over when we wanted," Judy says. "The narrowboat is very intimate." 3. Self-drive narrowboating in Wales "We've gone on three barge trips in two years, all well under $1,000 for the two of us," say Al and Rosemary Martin, from Westchester County, New York. "We found it very romantic," continues Rosemary. "It gave me new respect for my husband. He was able to drive it and do everything. And we could tie the boat up for a cup of tea, or go for a walk or whatever." Rosemary did say that the boat is so narrow you practically have to walk sideways when you pass each other. And "the beds are rather small," though she didn't say if that last fact was a plus or a minus in her book. "The only problem is that it rains a lot in Wales in the spring - and the food isn't as good as in some other countries," Rosemary says. "We loved the boat, but hated the food." "So the next time, we chartered a cabin cruiser in Belgium," Rosemary explained, and launched into a description of that trip. 4. Self-drive cabin cruisers in Belgium Rosemary and Al liked the small cabin cruiser even better than the narrowboat. "We picked up an adorable 29-foot cabin cruiser that says it sleeps three or four but is really better with two," Rosemary says. "You have a galley with a full kitchen, you're protected when you steer, and you get rocked to sleep at night." Cost: $800 for the week, $400 apiece. "One of the highlights was Bruges, a medieval city called the 'Venice of the North' - they make lace there," Rosemary says. Driving the boat is simple, Rosemary insists, but sometimes accidents can happen. "On this last trip, I don't know what I did, but I backed up and broke the rudder." Rudders happen. But the repair was no big deal. "We called the boat owners-remember, you're only ever about 15 to 20 miles away from where you started. We took a walk for a couple of hours until the repairman fixed it." Her advice: Buy the $50 insurance for the boat. Otherwise, navigation is a piece of cake. "You get a total navigational guide about how long it takes to get from one lock to the next, the towns you'll hit, and the restaurants along the way. They show you how to fill the water tank; the gas usually lasts the whole trip. You can only go 5 mph - you can't hurt anybody or anything-and you can't even get a B&B for this price. "We're thinking about Holland or Italy next," Rosemary says. And she promises not to drive backwards. 5. Biking and barging in Holland Carol and Rollie Cahalane say they rarely bike ride at home in Denver, Colorado. But they had no trouble doing 35 to 45 miles a day on their bike-and-barge trip in Holland, all meals included: $775 per person per week. "We went at tulip time in spring," Carol says. "The weather was warm - and when you're bicycling you don't want hot weather. We would have a typical Dutch breakfast on the barge - cold cuts and fruit. We'd take some of that breakfast and pack a lunch. Then we'd ride off on our bikes - with a guide - and go through the little villages. The boat would move on down the canal. Then we'd hook up with the barge at the end of the day for dinner. We had an excellent French chef," Carol says. In Holland there are very few self-drive boats - the barges tend to be larger than elsewhere in Europe and require a captain and crew. Because they accommodate a larger group, the prices can be excellent, even with full meals and organized tours. The Cahalanes knew almost half of the 22 people on board. But part of the fun, Carol said, was getting to know the others, too. "Every night we'd all try to sit with somebody different at dinner - we tried not to be cliquish. We'd mingle with all the other couples - and we got along great. I wouldn't mind going on a trip where I didn't know anyone. But every time I mention to friends that we want to go on a barge, before I know it we have a whole group that wants to come." The best part about being on the barge? Carol doesn't miss a beat in response: "Not having to pack up every night - even though you're moving to a new town every day. And you go at a slow pace and see things the average tourist will never see. On the bikes, you're on back roads that buses will never go on." For Donna Ferullo, another member of a similar bike-barge trip in Holland, the best part was the bike paths. "They were paradise - you never had to look over your shoulder for cars; they all yield to the bikes," says this Bostonian who is used to riding "with cars on my bumper." And of course, there's the price. "At these prices you feel like you can do one a year," says Carol. "Next year we want to try France." 6. Self-drive barging in the Loire Valley of France Though many veteran barge travelers stress the slow, relaxed pace, Chuck and Julie Feinberg of Flushing, New York, insist these trips are not just for folks who want to take it easy. "We go scuba diving in Southeast Asia and rollerblading in Paris," which Chuck insists is the best city in Europe for that sport. "And then we get on a small boat in the Loire Valley, just for the two of us - 55-feet-long and 15-feet-wide - and go. It's luxury roughing," he adds with a laugh. Cost: $1,600 for ten days; less than $600 per person per week. As fifth-grade elementary school teachers in Brooklyn, Chuck and Julie have done their homework. "Most people stay at the base for the first day and start off in the morning. But this is our third year, so we go right off to the first lock," Chuck says. "We chose the Mayennes because there aren't a lot of locks - way up north there are a whole bunch," Chuck explains. "The further north, the more antiquated the locks are and the more manual the locks." That means a little more time and effort is required to pass through than in the automatic locks - maybe 20 minutes per lock instead of 10 or 15. He and Julie have meals down to a science, too. "We know where all the best markets are to stock up our kitchen." And Chuck's willing to share his homework: "The best food markets are in Chateau Gontier and in Lion d'Anger and Laval." And cooking is no problem. "You can tie up anywhere you want - at the locks or anywhere along the banks of the river, any tree. Sometimes as I grill my beef on the hibachi, all I see are the cows who come to check you out." What's the best part? "The freedom, and relaxation," Chuck says. "You don't have to find a place to park your car - you get out and walk and you'll find a boulangerie, charcuterie, fromagerie. You're not that far from the Atlantic - you get the freshest fish. Every single night we had great food. And we picked out wines from the area - Sauvignon and Chenin Blanc and Cabernet Franc - the red grape of the Loire valley. And the local cheeses are fantastic - chevre you can't even find in the most wonderful gourmet stores in the States." "I was a little skeptical at first about our doing it on our own. My French isn't even conversational," Chuck says. But Chuck, along with everyone else I spoke to who spent time in the French countryside, insists that the French, despite their reputation as cool and patronizing, are welcoming to Americans. Besides, the real language of France is food. "One night we tied up not far from a little restaurant," Chuck recounts. "I woke up in the morning and saw a car delivering fresh bread to that restaurant. He noticed us, honked, and came by to sell us fresh-baked baguettes. We love this area. And the boats-you just get more adept at it - so it's even more relaxing." Bargain barge contacts Each of the several barging trips described in this article can be booked from the first three of the four barge brokers named below; all three handle the entirety of the barge trips we discuss here - and at the prices we've quoted. For France only, barge trips can be booked from the fourth (and last) company we've named, and that firm should very definitely be considered (along with the others) for that excellent barging country. Evelyn Gresser and Debbie Petermann Founder and President of Le Boat, Inc.: World-Wide Holiday Afloat, which for 20 years has been finding people the barge and yacht trips they seek. Phone: 800/992-0291; Web site: leboat.com Elfriede Wind Founder of 4Winds Specialty Tours, the tour division of Kennewick Travel, Inc./American Express in Kennewick, Washington, who can find bargain barge trips anywhere, especially in Holland, her native land. Phone: 888/676-2854; E-mail: st4winds@earthlink.net; Web site: 4windstours.com Shirley Linde Editor, Small Ship Cruises and author of 37 books including The World's Most Intimate Cruises (Open Road Publishing, 1999). The Web site is an information center that will help you book specialists in small ships (under 500 passengers) anywhere in the world. E-mail: linde@smallshipcruises.com or cruisesmallships@aol.com; Web site: smallshipcruises.com The Barge Broker They can help find you self-drive vessels in France, only. Phone: 800/275-9794; E-mail: mailto:info@bargebroker.com; Web site: bargebroker.com Tips for better barging If driving the boat yourself sounds too challenging to start, you can rent a captain for about $100 per week, says Evelyn Grasser of Le Boat, Inc. The captain will leave each evening after you dock so you can have the boat to yourself. Bring binoculars - it's handy for seeing if someone else is already in the locks ahead of you. And it's nice for birdwatching-and people watching, as well. A sun hat is handy - especially when you're out on deck with the water reflecting the sun. Wear deck shoes or soled shoes - duh. Bring wet weather gear - especially if you're steering a narrowboat, you could be exposed to the elements. Apply sun lotion. Slather on mosquito repellent at night - it isn't just barges that are fond of shallow water in summer. If it's important to you to find a route with fewer locks or mostly automatic ones, a cruise agent (see Barge Contacts box) can help you customize your itinerary. If you are driving the boat yourself, buy the boat insurance. The larger the group on the barge, the lower the prices will be: Most French barges are small, for six to ten people-that's why they are so expensive when you have a full crew. For the best deals in barges, as with any other tourist activity in Europe, you may want to avoid July and especially August. That's when all the Europeans want to rent barges, too, so prices are high, boats are scarce, and canal traffic is heaviest. Slightly off-season times in northern France and the UK are May, June, and September; for the south of France, it's April and October. Still, good deals can be had even in peak times. A few times to note for Holland: the tulip season runs from late March to early May; the Keukenhof-the famous tulip exhibition with indoor and outdoor gardens runs from March 22 to May 24; and 2002 will be the year of the Floriade - a special flower exhibition near the Amsterdam airport that occurs only once every ten years. Final words from barge experts It's easier than it sounds - even if you drive yourself. "Since the waterways are narrow and you are going in one direction, all you really have to remember is pointy end forward," says Shirley Linde, editor of SmallShipCruises.com. And one more thing with narrowboats, which operate on a tiller: push right to go left, left to go right. Barges and cabin cruisers use a steering wheel: no tricks there. Adds Debbie Petermann, president of Le Boat, Inc., "If you have a driver's license, you're overqualified." You don't have far to go - and you only need to travel slowly. "The most territory covered in a week on a barge is about 50 miles; the shortest, seven," says Derek Banks, managing director of European Waterways Ltd., which specializes in the more expensive barge trips. But whatever the price, Derek says, all the boats can only go 5 mph max. Barging - especially the self-drive option - is not so much for a certain age as a certain type. "It's really for active people who want contact with real people in the country and on the boat," says Elfriede Wind, founder of 4Winds Specialty Tours. "We often see people age 50-plus. But we're getting more younger people now and families with kids or with three generations. The younger go bicycling, the grandparents stay on the barge or go for walks - and they can still share their meals and spend time together." It's not just a cheaper way to travel, it's better. "I don't think of self-drive boating as 'no frills,'" insists Evelyn Gresser, founder of Le Boat, Inc., whose daughter Debbie has now joined her in the business to handle the growing demand for barging. "I think of it more as an 'I'll do it myself' kind of holiday, just perfect for people who don't want to follow the tour operator's flag. We have a very large percentage of doctors, lawyers, and academics who are devoted to these trips. As the waterways belong to the public in most of Europe, one can stop wherever the mood takes one," Evelyn says.

What you'll find in this story: Orange County restaurants, Southern California culture, Orange County attractions, Orange County neighborhoods, Orange County beaches It was drilled into me at an early age: Orange County was an embarrassing place to be from. Radio stations in L.A., our neighbor to the north, were constantly teasing us about our conservative reputation, mocking life "behind the Orange Curtain." And as we all know, adolescent shame has a vicious sting. So imagine my surprise when Orange County became synonymous with California cool, thanks to the teenage soap opera The O.C. (By the way, we never called it that.) And while I used to find it unfathomable that anyone would want to vacation there, once I got some distance--literally and figuratively--I came around. Or maybe I just grew up. In fact, even I now vacation there! A few years ago, my parents retired to the Palm Springs area, but they couldn't totally let go of Orange County--or bear the desert summer. Each August, they rent a house for two weeks on Balboa Island, in Newport Bay. It's the only time besides Christmas that the whole family gets together. My sister and brother-in-law bring their kids, Austin and Allison; last summer I brought my partner, Adam. The family-friendly vibe of Balboa has little in common with the glossy angst of The O.C., which is set in Newport Beach but filmed near L.A. In Balboa, we play Skee-Ball and drive bumper cars at the Fun Zone, a tiny amusement park that's on the Balboa Peninsula, a five-minute ferry ride from Balboa Island. We rent a small Duffy electric boat--it looks kind of like a mini-trolley--and toodle around the bay, gawking at the fancy houses. We eat breakfast at the Galley Café, a coffee shop near the marina, and then check out the sailboats. We go to the tide pools at Little Corona beach in Corona del Mar, one of Newport Beach's fancier neighborhoods. (A gem of a beach, it's hard to find but worth it: If you're heading south on Pacific Coast Highway, turn right on Poppy Avenue and take it to the end.) I won't forget the first time Austin saw a sea cucumber, or when we took Allison last year, and Austin got to play the expert. After dinner, we go for Balboa bars--vanilla ice cream bars dipped in chocolate and rolled in your choice of toppings--at Dad's on Balboa's main drag. I used to sleep in the house, sharing a room with my nephew. I adore him, but I'm happy to have graduated to the Marriott Courtyard in Irvine. It's 20 minutes away, but that's OK. You know you've grown up--and old--when you find yourself impressed by the fact that the hotel ponies up free laundry detergent. And fabric softener! The success of The O.C. spawned a vapid reality show on MTV called Laguna Beach, whose namesake is one town to the south. Laguna used to be known for attracting creative misfits--Hollywood weekenders, artists, gay people--but now it's not all that different from Newport. It does have geography on its side: It's set on cliffs overlooking the Pacific and is astoundingly beautiful, if you can remain in denial about the traffic. Fortuitously, Laguna is the most strollable of O.C. towns (the only strollable one, to be honest). I never surfed as a kid, having watched Jaws at precisely the wrong age, but like any good Californian I dig surf style. The best merchandise--T-shirts, flip-flops, swim trunks, etc.--is at the Thalia Street Surf Shop. Last summer, I bought a fake road sign with the words hang loose and the thumb/pinkie hand gesture; it hangs in my office. Be sure to poke around the corner. Thalia Street dead-ends at a long wooden staircase that leads to the beach. You stare down into the blue-green water, where surfers bob. Just north of Laguna is Crystal Cove State Park, which used to be totally undeveloped. It was so perfect, so golden--all cliffs and trails and three miles of empty beach. The area around it has since been attacked by what I call viral housing--you can practically see it replicate up the hillside before your eyes--but it's still a great place for a walk. There are 46 houses right on the sand; the historic district was state land leased long-term to individuals. The leases expired in 2001, and the state will soon be renting out 22 of them on a nightly basis, perhaps as soon as this fall. I can't think of another place in California I'd rather be. You know you've really grown up when you start coveting real estate. Amazingly, the Orange County I experience now isn't a nostalgia trip for me: I didn't spend much time in Balboa or Laguna as a kid. I didn't even hang out much in downtown Huntington Beach, my hometown, which at the time was a bit seedy. Since then, most of Main Street has been bulldozed and replaced with a big strip mall (unlike quaint Seal Beach, one town north). A few fun places remain, as I found out when I was there last year for my friend Beth's wedding. The Sugar Shack still serves excellent breakfast burritos, and a block south on Pacific Coast Highway, T.K. Burger (short for The Kind Burger) could almost give In-N-Out a run for its money. It feels the way a beach burger joint should, with skate rock blaring and surfers loitering. I still laugh every time I'm on the PCH, because one time the New Yorker in me forgot where I was, and I literally got pulled over by the cops for jaywalking. When I was a kid, we rarely went to the pier at Huntington Beach--a long walk is never high on any kid's list of fun activities. Then, in 1988, the pier was damaged by waves and closed down. The community, including my family, chipped in to rebuild it in 1990. There's now a plaque on the pier that has  our name on it. Whenever I'm in town I search it out. Lodging   Coldwell Banker Realty 201 Marine Ave., Balboa Island, 949/673-6900   Marriott Courtyard 2701 Main St., Irvine, 949/757-1200, marriott.com, from $89 Food   Dad's Donut Shop & Bakery 318 Marine Ave., Balboa Island, 949/673-8686, Balboa bar $2.25   Galley Café 829 Harbor Island Dr., Newport Beach, 949/673-4110   Sugar Shack Café 213 Main St., Huntington Beach, 714/536-0355, breakfast burrito $6.50   T.K. Burger 110 Pacific Coast Hwy., Huntington Beach, 714/960-3238, burger $3.50 Attractions   Crystal Cove State Park 8471 Pacific Coast Hwy., 949/494-3539, parks.ca.gov, $8 per vehicle   Balboa Fun Zone 949/673-0408, thebalboafunzone.com, bumper cars $2   Duffy Electric Boat Co. 2001 W. Pacific Coast Hwy., Newport Beach, 949/645-6812, x119, $85 per hour   California Scenario 611 Anton Blvd., Costa Mesa, 714/384-5500 Shopping   Thalia Street Surf Shop 903 S. Coast Hwy., Laguna Beach, 949/497-3292   Electric Chair 410 Main St., Huntington Beach, 714/536-0784   The Lab 2930 Bristol St., Costa Mesa, 714/966-6660   South Coast Plaza 3333 Bristol St., Costa Mesa, 800/782-8888 Resources   Newport Beach CVB 800/942-6278, nbcvb.com

The tour bus pulled alongside a dozen more like it at Notre Dame cathedral. Though it was only May, the sun beat down fiercely on Parisians and tourists alike. Disembarking from the bus, American tourists groped toward the church entrance like sleepwalkers. A hot and thirsty-looking lot, they stopped on the corner where I was waiting to cross. They perused a map as their leader exhorted them, "Please, please, people! You must be on time. The bus will leave here exactly at 2 p.m. You must be aboard. We will go next to the Eiffel Tower where you will have 45 minutes. We will then depart for our swing around the Arc de Triomphe and Montmartre. Don't forget, dinner is served promptly at 8 p.m. at your hotel. Have all luggage in the lobby for our departure for Amsterdam at 6:30 a.m. Have a great day in Paris!" I ambled over to assist these forlorn-looking folks who were having no luck with the map. Thrilled to find an American to help them, one woman asked, "Where's the best place around here to eat lunch?" "That would be my apartment, though I doubt you would all fit in," I replied. "You live here in Paris?" she queried. "No," I said, "I'm just a tourist like you. My apartment is in that building there the one on the island, Ile St. Louis, just near that bridge you see." I left them there to puzzle it out and went happily home to my delicious luncheon bought at the market that morning. I ate it sitting in my window overlooking the Seine, watching the boats go by and feeling somewhat smug and sorry for anyone who was not enjoying Paris as much as I. What is a self-catering apartment? It is a flat in which you tend to your own needs in your own way. Though many feature maid service one or more times per week, you are essentially on your own. Kitchens or kitchenettes provide you with the leisure to cook or prepare snacks at any time. Private phone, TV, and all the amenities of home come with most apartments or can be paid for as additions to your bill. You have a landlord to contact if something goes wrong or breaks, or if you have locked yourself out again! It is like any apartment in the United States, only better! You are living in a neighborhood in a foreign country as a part of the local life, not as a mere visitor. Your groceries, your time, your recreation, sightseeing, and laundry are up to you, just like at home, only better. You aren't just making an eight-hour stopover on your way to 14 cities in nine days-you are living there! You are experiencing the life, culture, and economy of the country and people. You are taking care of yourself, you lucky self-catering traveler, you. The advantages of self-catering apartments versus hotel stays For me, there is nothing like waking in the morning at my leisure, making my own coffee, and lounging around with my maps and guidebooks to decide where I'd like to go today. Will I visit a museum, take a train or bus to an exciting castle, or just hang out at the local flea market and get lunch at a charming cafe? Many of the most memorable travel experiences I have had came out of this secret tourist science, which I can sum up as "exploring by getting lost and wandering around." How about a jog through the Parc Monceau in Paris, followed by an afternoon nap? If I opt for the late show at the flamenco bar in Madrid, tomorrow I can sleep as late as I wish. In my own apartment in Dublin, I can be a neat-freak or a total slob. I will probably not encounter another American on most days. I will, however, visit with the ladies who run the bakery down the street, the guy who works at the post office, the vendors at the fish market, and the police officer who patrols my neighborhood. No matter what I do, I will do it on my schedule. No one will tell me to hurry. I will not move my luggage. I will use my apartment as a base camp for my travels and explorations in the areas I fancy. I will pick and choose the activities and sights that interest me. I will eat and sleep, and I'll drink the local wine when I wish. I will make lifelong friends and pen-pals. I will learn about the economy, how much it costs to live and feed oneself in another country. I will develop a new appreciation for all I have in America, and I will watch it amount to awe. But I will also fall a little bit in love with the place in which I am living and with the new people around me. What's the downside? The downside is um well, for me, there honestly is no downside. I know from some excruciating past experiences with arranged tours that lots of people want to be "guided." This seems particularly true of Americans, many of whom do not speak a foreign language and thus believe they would become irretrievably lost if they were on their own in a foreign country. In truth, most people outside of North America are used to dealing with strangers who speak a different language than they do. Here in the U.S., we thrive on airconditioning, cable TV, room service, and other amenities provided by hotels. Many people like to have their schedule, tickets, and itinerary planned for them so they don't have to think about making these arrangements. So I guess the downside of staying in self-catering apartments is that you have to be your own travel guide, concierge, ticket agent, and cook. That's more than fine with me, but it might not be for everyone. Also, depending on the type of facility you book, you might find that the heating system only works on "tepid," the shower won't flow if you flush the toilet, and the towels provided are the size of Kleenex. No matter how meticulously you research your accommodation, there will probably be some surprises. Not everybody likes surprises. Self-catering apartments are perhaps only suitable for the very adaptable traveler, and for those with a sense of humor. How do I find an apartment in a foreign country or an unfamiliar U.S. city? The better guidebooks contain the names and addresses of agencies booking self-catering apartments. The government tourist offices of many cities, islands, and countries also have that information-and many exist to impart it to you for free. The Internet is full of such agencies, and a few minutes' use of a search engine will yield remarkably detailed information on reserving properties. From all of those sources, and from many recommendations of friends, I've compiled a ready-to-use list of apartment-renting offices in America and around the world (see the special box accompanying this article). When I plan a vacation, in addition to digging out the names of agencies, I also study the area I want to visit and decide where I do not want to stay. If there is a high-crime area or an expensive area catering to movie stars in chauffeured cars, you can be sure I will not consider those locations for an apartment stay, since those factors may affect the lifestyle I will lead once I arrive. I try to find a middle-class section of town. It may be arty or trendy, but not seedy. I check maps to see if it has ready access to the subway, buses, and train stations. I make a list of what I need to make myself comfortable. Do I need a telephone, or will I have a cell phone with me? For people traveling with children, a washing machine may be important, but I don't need one. Remember: The more appliances you need, the more you will have to pay for the apartment. I get information on lots of apartments before making my final decision. Though it's easy to get hyped up about your trip, as with any purchase, it's never smart to book the first attractive property you encounter. Shop around. If I can, I make phone contact with the agency or with the representative for the property. I evaluate how they "sound" to me. Do the prices and the facilities they quote jibe with those touted by the other sources I have checked? Are they accommodating and forthcoming in response to my questions? This isn't Kansas, Toto People assume that leasing an apartment in a foreign country is the same as leasing one in the United States. Not true. To my mind, there are some crucial considerations about the apartment you choose: o Is electricity free? It might be billed at check-out, or you may have to regularly feed coins to a meter. Most apartment rentals now include electricity with the rental fee, but if the agency is silent about it, you should ask. o Will you have all modern appliances? Unless specified otherwise, most rental apartments in Europe will not provide a dishwasher. Some will have clothes-washing equipment, but not dryers. In some, a telephone costs extra. Ask before booking. o There may be hidden fees. Does the local government levy a tax that you have not been warned about? Is there a usage fee for any portion of the apartment building or the equipment? What is the total actual daily or weekly rental fee that you must pay? Is there a security deposit? If the landlord or agency seems evasive, or if the answer is confusing, look elsewhere. o One might expect that apartments catering to tourists would provide sheets and towels. Au contraire. Unless you want to schlep your own linens, ask if they are furnished. Some rentals charge more for these. If they are provided, how often are fresh ones dropped off? o What is the security arrangement? Will you be provided a physical key, or will you enter using a combination key and security number? Who else will have a key, and from whom and where do you pick it up when you arrive? o If you want your own bathroom, make sure it is specified as an en suite bath. If you don't mind sharing facilities with other residents, an apartment with a shared bath is always cheaper. Ask what the bath includes. Is it merely a toilet/sink, or does it have a tub/shower, too? o What is in the kitchen? If you plan to cut costs by preparing your own food, is the kitchen sufficiently outfitted? I like to cook full meals with ingredients from the markets. Therefore, a kitchen with only a hot plate and a coffee pot would never suffice for me, although it might be fine for those who aren't interested in learning to cook the local delicacies. o If you intend to rent a car, is parking available? If so, is the space nearby? Does it require a separate fee? o In what form and in what amount will you make your payment? Most rental agencies accept credit cards, but not all of them do. If this is the case, your bank can send a wire transfer. o Are there any other unforeseen restrictions on your stay? For example, is there a limit to the number of people who may stay overnight in the apartment, or are there rules concerning which days you may check into or out? If you arrive in town at night, will someone be there to check you in and give you a key to the dwelling? o Finally, be sure you receive a written confirmation either via the Internet or mail. Ask about the cancellation policy, too. Be sure you understand all the financial arrangements-fully-before completing a final booking. Leave Jeeves, the butler, to the hotels You don't need Jeeves. You can wash your breakfast dishes yourself, use the coin-operated laundry down the street, or (horrors) sweep the kitchen floor, if need be. You can learn the intricacies of foreign plumbing. The independence and the fun of living in your own apartment more than make up for the lack of room service and guides leading you by the nose, on someone else's schedule. And what, pray tell, are you likely to remember of your stay in a self-catering apartment? I lapse into reverie to report: The cheerful smile of the bakery lady who came to know exactly what I wished to order each morning: hot and fragrant pastries direct from the oven. The sounds of families coming home from work and school, with the gossip, the arguing, and the laughter everywhere. The red-haired schoolboy who greeted me with a goofy grin and a "Bonjour, madame" that always made me smile. Two international soccer teams which, after a beer or nine, decided to stage a practice game at 2 a.m. on the street under my window. The Italians won. Finding the best tapas bar in Spain in which to eat calamares. Watching from my window as a head-of-state was ushered down the street by a contingent of mounted cavalry wearing uniforms from another era. Waking on Sunday to the ringing of the bells in the nearby cathedral. Strolling through flower markets, taking photos and my own sweet time to enjoy every blossom. Excuse me I get a little misty when I think of all the wonderful experiences I had after I fired Jeeves and decided to go it alone in the real neighborhoods of real people. If you try it, a stay in a self-catering apartment will surely prove to be the best vacation you ever have. Agencies renting self-catering apartments Prices vary widely depending on the season, region, company, and luxury level, but a good self-catering apartment will cost at least 15 to 20 percent less than most mid-range hotel rooms. For Europe: Prices for apartments have not increased much in the last five years. They start at around $85 per night (although some can dip down to $55 during winter). For Asia: Hong Kong apartments tend to be deluxe, and start around $90 per night; you'll rarely find self-catering apartments in Japan. For Australia: Apartments start at around $85. For the U.S., prices vary more widely than other countries, but here are some regional examples: In Hawaii, apartments start at a surprisingly cheap $55-$75 per night; for New York, studio apartments in this pricey city often start at $100 per night; for Texas and other less-touristed states, apartments start at $69 per night; for Orlando, apartments that sleep four start around $88, but ones sleeping up to ten usually start at $156 per night-a grand economy of scale. France Servissimo 011-33/1-43-29-03-23 servissimo.com. Apartments of various sizes and locations throughout Paris. Friendly, helpful staff. At Home Abroad 212/421-9165 athomeabroadinc.com. Throughout France, including the Cote d'Azur and Provence. (Also serves Caribbean, Ireland, Italy, Mexico, Morocco, Portugal, U.K.) United Kingdom Holiday Serviced Apartments 011-44/20-7373-4477 holidayapartments.co.uk. Central London economy studios and flats, all fully equipped, many amenities, security, full kitchens. Apartments throughout the U.K. (Also serves Australia, Belgium, France, Germany, Hungary, Italy, Portugal, Spain, Switzerland, U.S.) Oakwood Worldwide 800/259-6914 oakwood.com. Short stays or longer throughout the U.K. (Also: Australia, Belgium, Canada, China, France, Germany, Ireland, Japan, Mexico, Nether-lands, New Zealand, Philippines, Puerto Rico, Singapore, South Korea, Spain, Thailand, U.S.) Italy Italy Weekly Rentals 011-39/6-9014-0602 italy-weekly-rentals.com. Many varied rentals available, details regarding amenities, rates, owners. Venetian Apartments 011-44/20-8878-1130 venice-rentals.com. Beautiful apartments, good locations, views, short stays of three to five nights, also weekly and monthly rentals. Northern Ireland and Irish Republic Self-Catering Ireland 011-353/53-33-999 selfcatering-ireland.com. Comprehensive reservation service for Ireland. Three- and four-star apartments from economy to four bedrooms. Irish Tourist Board/Bord Failte 011-353/1-602-4000 ireland.travel.ie. Listings of apartments throughout Ireland, ratings, descriptions, phone numbers, and contacts. Norway Norway Apartments 011-47/22-60-3666 norwayapartments.no. Apartments sleeping two to twenty; all with complete kitchens, full baths. Many apartments in Oslo and cabins throughout Norway. Norwegian Tourist Board 212/885-9700 visitnorway.com. Links to agencies providing apartments and other rentals. Information and assistance for travelers. Spain Hometours International 866/367-4668 or 865/690-8484, ask for Moti thor.he.net/~hometour/link1.htm. Many lovely apartments in all sections of Madrid. (Also serves France, Israel, Italy, Portugal, Switzerland, U.K., U.S.) International Lodging Corporation 800/SPAIN-44 or 212/228-5900 ilcweb.com. Apartments and villas in Spain for a week or longer. Tourist Office of Spain 212/265-8822, 305/358-1992, 312/642-1992, or 323/658-7188 okspain.org. Assistance in planning your trip, referrals to sources and agencies that rent apartments. Greece Elysian Holidays 011-44/15-8076-6599 elysianholidays.co.uk. Apartments, villas, and houses in Greece and the Greek Isles. (Also serves Caribbean, Cyprus, Portugal, Spain.) Portugal Owners Direct 011-44/13-7272-2708, ask for Chris or Marie Goddard ownersdirect.co.uk. Fully furnished, courtyards, scenic. Agency gives you direct addresses, names, phone numbers to book with owner/manager. Good photos of apartments and details on rates. (Also serves Canary Islands, Caribbean, Cyprus, France, Greece, Ireland, Italy, Malta, South Africa, Spain, Thailand, U.S.) Netherlands Barclay International Group 800/845-6636 or 516/759-5100 barclayweb.com. Amsterdam apartments and all types of apartments, lodges, and villas throughout Europe. Offers assistance for special needs such as for handicapped travelers. (Also serves Belgium, Caribbean, France, Germany, Greece, Ireland, Italy, Mexico, Portugal, Spain, U.K., U.S.) Netherlands Board of Tourism 888/GOHOLLAND or 212/370-7360 holland.com. Assistance in planning trips and locating resources for lodging. United States No More Hotels 212/897-0572 nomorehotels.com. From the humble to the ritzy in New York City. Apartments and condos in Hawaii and other locations. Wide variety of types, locations, prices. Provides name, address, and phone for direct contact with owner/manager. Good photos of apartments. (Also serves Africa, Asia, Australia, Canada, Caribbean, Central America, Europe, Mexico, Middle East, New Zealand, South America, South Pacific.) a hospitality company 800/987-1235 hospitalitycompany.com. Studio, one- and two-bedroom apartments, owned and furnished by the company, in safe, fun neighborhoods away from the high prices of the Times Square area. CANADA Vacations-Abroad.com 819/688-2228 vacations-abroad.com. Self-catering apartments in Montreal, Prince Edward Island, Nova Scotia, British Columbia, and elsewhere. (Also serves Belgium, Caribbean, France, Greece, Italy, Mexico, Portugal, Spain, Switzerland, U.K., U.S.) Caribbean and Central America Zoomaway.com 011-44/20-7976-6514 zoomaway.com. Rental apartments, villas, condos on Antigua, Barbados, St. Lucia, Trinidad, and Tobago. All fully equipped. You can book direct with the owner or through Zoomaway.com. (Also serves Australia, Bulgaria, France, India, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Turkey, U.K., U.S.) LateLet.com 011-44/161-819-5100 latelet.com. Many types of vacation rentals in the Caribbean, as well as in San Jose and other areas of Costa Rica. (Also serves Africa, Australia, Europe, Middle East, New Zealand, South America, South Pacific, U.S.) Solapartotel Vacation Apartments 506/384-7990, ask for Franco Solano. A lovely, privately owned apartment building in residential San Jose; kitchens, fully equipped, garage. Australia Globalstore Reservations 011-61/7-5471-1013 mxp.com.au. Beautiful apartments, all sizes and prices, in Sydney, Brisbane, Melbourne, and Queensland's Gold Coast and Sunshine Coast. The Apartment Service 011-44/20-8944-1444 apartmentservice.com. Apartments throughout Australia. Fully equipped. (Also serves Africa, Belgium, Canada, Caribbean, China, eastern Europe, France, Germany, India, Ireland, Italy, Japan, Malta, Mexico, Middle East, Netherlands, New Zealand, Portugal, Russia, South America, South Pacific, Spain, Switzerland, Turkey, U.K., U.S.) China Moveandstay.com 011-66/2-891-2231 moveandstay.com. Apartments in Hong Kong, Beijing, Shanghai, and elsewhere; weekly or monthly rentals. (Also serves Australia, Belgium, France, Germany, Indonesia, Italy, Japan, Malaysia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Philippines, Singapore, Spain, Switzerland, Thailand, U.K.) Harbour Plaza North Point 011-852/2187-2888 or 011-852/2185-2888, ask for Bredon Lam or Tracy Yam in reservations harbour-plaza.com/hpnp. Inquire about the home-stay package. Luxury apartments at budget prices in Quarry Bay on Hong Kong Island. Weekly or monthly rates. All amenities including fitness center, swimming pool. Other contacts for self-catering Untours 888/868-6871 untours.com. Minimum two-week stay (with some seven-night exceptions). Packages combine airfare and a stay in a self-catering apartment or house offered in the Czech Republic, France, Germany, Hungary, Italy, Netherlands, Portugal, Spain, Switzerland, and Vietnam. English-speaking Untour guides meet travelers and provide orientation. All apartments are personally inspected. Drive-Alive Holidays 011-44/870-745-7979 drive-alive.com. Motoring holidays. Pick up vehicle in U.K. and cross the English Channel via ferry or tunnel. Motor to self-catering apartments or homes throughout Europe. Stay in one location, then drive to others arranged by the agency. Many listings. Great vacation for families.

This issue's winner is Jessica Drollette, of Tahoe City, Calif. Her prize: a six-night trip to Malta, courtesy of Amelia International. On a four-week bicycle tour from San Diego to Cabo San Lucas, my boyfriend and I always got a friendly welcome from the locals. In La Paz, we met a barber and avid cyclist who invited us to spend the night; he wouldn't take no for an answer. His wife, however, was sick and tired of stinky cyclists in her house and politely said, "Absolutely not." So instead of the guest bedroom, we slept on the floor of the barber's shop. We loved it! It was clean, and the barber visited with us late into the night as we shared cycling stories and practiced our Spanish. When you get seized by the portuguese, you'll know it On a cruise from Boston to Canada, my husband and I didn't know that our ship was in bankruptcy proceedings. On our fifth night, the ship turned around and began heading toward Nova Scotia. The captain, who spoke fairly limited English, made an announcement that we had been "seized by the Portuguese," and we were not being allowed to return to the United States. When did we go to war with Portugal? I thought to myself. After much confusion, we realized that the captain had intended to say we'd been seized by the mortgagees and the cruise line was doing what it could to save the ship. --Donna Chita, Blackstone, Mass. Perhaps he was showing off his "WWJD" bracelet Moving from California to Washington, D.C., after college was a big step for me, so I thought, Why not discover what lies between the two coasts and drive cross-country? My best friend and I packed up a big brown van and headed east. Just when we hit Oklahoma, we saw a bumper sticker that said honk if you love jesus. Excited to see some actual Bible action in the Bible Belt, I honked the horn with great zeal. To our surprise, the driver rolled down the car window and gave us the finger. --Stina Skewes-Cox, Washington, D.C. It takes a kiwi to make polystyrene sound cute My husband and I rented a car to visit remote areas of the South Island of New Zealand. Along the way, we stopped at a store to buy a Styrofoam cooler for our drinks and sandwiches. Suddenly, I wondered if I had landed in an alternate existence. Here were people who looked like me and spoke the same language but had no clue what I was asking for. With wide eyes, the lady at the counter indicated I should wait, then she ran from the store. After a few minutes, she returned with a man who asked if he could help. Again I requested a Styrofoam cooler. "Ah, yes, you'll be wanting a polystyrene chilly bin." Who would've thought you'd need a translator in New Zealand? --Stacy Ewing, Denton, Md. The poor guy weeps every time he sees it taped to the fridge My husband climbed a rugged peak of lava rock to capture the spectacular sunset on our last evening in Maui. He tore his pants, lost our condo keys, and spent more than 90 minutes snapping the shutter on his fancy camera. Playing on the beach with the kids, I looked up and with my cheap digital point-and-shoot got what turned out to be the most interesting image of our entire week. --Cynthia Smith, Tacoma, Wash. Camels? Haggling? Monty hall would definitely be pleased Having argued for more than an hour over a lower price for a camel ride around the pyramids outside Cairo, I felt exceedingly proud that I'd gotten my stubborn guide's $20 price reduced to $10. Upon returning from my ride of a lifetime, I patiently waited for the guide to cue the camel to lower me down. Finally tired of the delay, I asked him if he would let me down--to which he angrily replied, "Ten dollars to ride on camel, ten dollars to get off!" --Suzanne Murrell, Orlando, Fla. One woman's disappointment is another woman's relief My friend and I wanted to try some new and unusual things while in New Orleans. Perusing the paper, we came across an ad for a "bottomless brunch" at Lucky Cheng's. We'd heard the restaurant employed waiters who were men dressed as women, and we were curious how they could pass themselves off while going bottomless. When we arrived, a fully clothed, attractive transvestite approached our table and asked if we wanted a glass of champagne. A bit perplexed, I went ahead and said, "You advertised a bottomless brunch, but we see you are clothed." The waiter laughed and told us that "bottomless brunch" meant our champagne glasses would never be empty. Not the adventure we had imagined, but fun nonetheless. --Louise Minnick, San Francisco, Calif. Gross food story of the month On a recent trip to Iceland, I stayed in a lovely hotel in Reykjavík that included a lavish breakfast buffet. The first morning, I was unable to find fruit juice and concluded that it was probably difficult to obtain in that part of the world. Spotting a glass pitcher with tiny juice glasses, I thought I'd found apple juice. Having filled the little glass, I took it to my table and started breakfast with my first dose of cod liver oil since my childhood in Scotland. No wonder the Icelanders are so healthy and attractive. I, unfortunately, had seal's breath the rest of the day. --Marion Hopkins, Aurora, Colo. None of which makes it less true It's a good thing a picture is worth a thousand words because it may take that many to explain this sign I spotted in a Beijing parking lot. According to a Chinese friend, it has nothing to do with enterprising thieves or talented burglars. Rather, it advises motorists to be careful because the ramp can get slippery. --Elizabeth Wefel, St. Paul, Minn. You might like lucky Cheng's While dining at Bobby Chinn's Restaurant in Hanoi, Vietnam, my wife ordered--unbeknownst to me--a side dish called, "We tell you that you are beautiful all night long." (It was listed on the menu as a side dish, right above the green salad, for $2.) When the waiter brought our food, he paused, looked me in the eye, and, much to my surprise, told me that I was beautiful. This continued for the entire meal. Between the waiter, busboy, and bartender I was told no less than 10 times that I was beautiful. The food and service were hands down the best we had in Vietnam. My only complaint: I wish that we'd had a waitress! --Jason Mullin, Chicago, Ill. Bambi the barbarian Friends and I visited Nara Park while vacationing in Japan. There were hundreds of free-roaming deer, so I purchased wafers to feed them. Everything started out nice and peaceful, but they soon began to get aggressive, nudging, biting, and pushing me. Fear kicked in, and I ended up throwing the wafers in the air and running as far away from the animals as I could.--Hideka Suzuki, San Francisco, Calif. It's one thing to lie about grapefruit, but holy water?! Traveling in Israel, we rode a bus that was passing through orchards of grapefruits the size of mini-basketballs. A fellow passenger asked what I thought was growing on the trees. Seeing as how we were being served fresh grapefruit and juice at every hotel on our tour, I was a bit surprised. Struggling to keep a straight face--I was wearing my clerical collar--I said they were olives and that they were placed on drying racks where they'd shrink and turn black. Soon we stopped along the Jordan River to fill plastic bottles with water. She asked me why our group wanted it, and again I couldn't resist. I explained that since this was special water from the Holy Land, if she added it to the water under her Christmas tree, the tree would stay alive and green for several years. I watched her buying dozens of bottles to fill with the water for her friends back home. --Rev. Robert Neubauer, Farmington, N.M. Speaking of grapefruit I was sunbathing on the Greek island of Zakinthos, where I'd grown unaccustomed to hearing English. "I say," I heard, my ears eagerly perking up. "Rather like two bald-headed men sleeping together under a blanket." And then I saw that two British men were looking down at me, commenting on my 42 DDD full figure in a bathing suit.--Gloria Cichy, Chicago, Ill. We see one big clue that he was happy to see you My husband Keith and I were on a group tour in Indonesia when we visited the province of Irian Jaya. We went to the Baliem Valley, where the Dani people have maintained their way of life for centuries. Unknown to us, our guide had arranged a special welcome. As our van pulled into the entrance of the remote lodging, about 40 native men armed with spears, bows, and arrows rushed from the bushes. Their entire wardrobe consisted of feather headdresses and penis sheaths made from gourds held in place by cords around their waists. Needless to say, we were scared to death. Finally we realized that it was all an act, and they gave us a friendly welcome. But have you ever shaken hands with a man wearing only a gourd?--Joyce Brooks, Evant, Tex. In Peru, thumbs-up means "the dude is out of money" The local children had been polite but eager salesmen everywhere my husband Charlie and I went in Peru. So when we reached the hotel on our last day, my eyes didn't linger on the little boys clamoring for our attention. Charlie, however, dug into his pockets for our dwindling Peruvian soles, much to their delight. A short time later, Charlie and the boys sneaked past the doorman and rested together in the lobby as we waited for our flight home. Our last photo revealed them signaling "hook 'em horns" and "thumbs-up"--tired but happy, just boys being boys even though our soles were long gone.--Jennifer Hann, Jonesborough, Tenn. Coming soon to a theater near you: whatever happened to baby doris? Celebrating my husband's 50th birthday with a two-week trip to Italy was absolutely wonderful, even with our 3-year-old daughter Waverly as a travel companion. However, Waverly's own travel companion--her doll Baby Doris--gave us a few problems. After arriving in Milan before our flight home the next day, we unloaded the taxi as Waverly searched frantically for Baby Doris. Our lackadaisical, travel-weary comments consisted of "Waverly, you lost the baby!" and "The baby was the one thing you had to keep your eye on, and you lost it!" The driver gave us a few strange looks before finally exclaiming, "A baby doll! I thought you were looking for a real baby!" He was so relieved that it wasn't a real baby he drove back to the airport and fetched Baby Doris from the rental office where Waverly had forgotten it.--Lisa Williams, Elizabethtown, Ky.